Friday, September 25, 2009

I need some wooden stakes!

The vampires were out in full force today...

I had my GD (gestational diabetes) test today.  I wasn't the least bit excited about it and, as usual, it put me in a foul/introverted mood for most of the morning until we headed out.  T, as he always is, was patient and understanding.  We had a very interesting conversation on the way to the vampire clinic regarding the overpopulation of the human race and how the Earth really needs to rebalance itself which would mean finding a way to eliminate humans - time for extinction.  This is a long, rambling conversation and one of the interesting ones that T and I sometimes find ourselves involved in.  It helped keep my mind off of things to come.

I am surprised we were able to open the door to the clinic when we got there.  It seems as if the vampires not only come out at night but are also quite popular on Friday mornings.  I suggested to T that maybe we come back next week when it may not be as crowded (and there would be less people to hear my torturous cries) but his look and something in me wanting this whole process over with, grabbed the pen and signed in.

About 25 or so minutes later, they called me to the window.  I had to go to the second window behind THE door that leads to THE vampire cave.  The lady behind the counter asked me if I had already had the glucose drink.  I said no.  She said, you should have let us know you were here for that so that you wouldn't have had to wait for the drink.  I said, oh.  I didn't know that.  And how would I have known that?  But, regardless, the next question was my choice in flavor - orange or fruit punch.  I said whatever.  I don't care.  But then I remembered that I am not a big orange fan so fruit punch may be better.  And it wasn't bad at all.  It was cold, very sweet - so sweet you almost thought it was carbonated because it kinda burned and bubbled going down.  But it wasn't too bad at all.  Like Hawaiian Punch.  I had to drink it within 5 minutes and had to do it in front of counter lady. 

While I was drinking the koolaid (see?  Even the vampires try to make you drink the koolaid), I asked her...why can't you just take the blood out of my finger versus my arm?  She said, oh, we need a lot more than that!  Of course, keep in mind, I had already discussed with her my baby ways and my phobia fear of having blood taken.  She continues, it's like milking a cow, sweetie (I think that will live on in my mind for many years to come), we need two big viles of it (note that she just HAD to use the adjective "BIG" to make sure my knees gave out from underneath me.  I said, sorry I asked.

After my refreshing beverage, I was told I was not to leave the facility for an hour.  No water and no food.  Just sit there and think about your destiny with the vampires (ok, she didn't say that but my mind filled in those blanks).  So T and I did just that.  We sat in that nasty lab with others that were going to meet the same fate as I was.  Including two pregnant women who were there for the same test as I was.  We all made eye contact, passively looked at each other's stomachs, secretly compared our belly and body shape to the others, and periodically stroked our contorted abs as our fetuses responded to the bottle of sugar we just drank.  Ahh, the bonding moment in the ol' blood lab.  Can I hear some ooohs and ahhhs?

I had gotten there before the other two so I was the first to be called back - right on an hour, I must say.  They had it timed to the second!  The lady that called us back was one that I told T I wanted to smack.  It is one thing to be a vampire.  It is another to be a friendly vampire all showing your sparkly whites and asking how I am doing.  EVIL!  Put your poop eating grin away.  You enjoy your job WAY too much!!  But, she was nice and I guess it could be worse.  If you are going to get bitten, better to be bitten by one that is quick and smiling than one who happens to NOT like being  a vampire and just stabs the holy hell out of you.

T came back with me.  This is good.  As I was walking into the blood room with the Winnie the Pooh poster and the hand drawn Spiderman sketch on the walls, I felt my head start to swim.  That was immediately followed with sweating and not able to catch a full breath.  I started feeling like I was sitting on a spinning top watching Winnie go around and around like a sickening ride.  I was shown to my seat - the dreaded chair with the arm padding (which would be more useful for my forehead when I inevitably passed out).  And, because these vampires like to have fun with your emotions, she asked me - which arm would you like for me to use.  HA!  Hmmm, HIS arm maybe????  Really lady?  Which arm??  How about I pick a finger for you?  I have a perfect one!  But, all that came out of my mouth was a nervous laugh and a 'I don't care.' 

T explained to her that my veins are not cooperative.  That it is sometimes hard to find what you need.  Luckily he talked primarily in code so that I could still remain upright.  So she decided to check out which arm she wanted.  And so the process begins.  And, just know that it is the ENTIRE process that causes me anxiety.  Not just the needle.  She wrapped the ol' rubber band of death on my right arm and proceeded to tap...tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap....OMG STOP WITH THE TAPPING!!!!  Do you see what you need or not?!?  Move on!!  "Well, I see a small one that I could use but I want to look at the other arm."  You have GOT to be kidding me!!

So off came the rubber band and on the left arm it went.  Tie tightly so that every cell in my body will spin even faster...STOP WINNIE, STOP!  Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap - she is VERY lucky that my state of panic leaves me paralyzed.  She may have had to make a dental appointment after me to fix the teeth I wanted to knock out!  STOP TAPPING!!! 

She unstrapped me and decided that the right arm was the big winner.  GREAT.  Once the rubber band was off, I had to shake my arms irradically and rub them up and down to find some essence of feeling again.  I noticed that I was sweating under my shirt and felt VERY hot but T said it was very cold in the room.  There was some music playing...was that to be a distraction or an annoyance?  I couldn't focus on it enough to tell.  I started feeling the heat roll up into my face and started feeling very nauseous.  I chalk this up to mostly anxiety mixed with not eating all morning and only have one glass of water and a bottle of sugar water.  Things weren't feeling right, Cashew was moving all over making me feel even more like puking, and I think my face showed all of these thoughts.  Ms Vampire decided that maybe I should lay down. 

She put new paper on the hard cot/bed in the Winnie room and had me lie down.  T stood over my head and I stared into his eyes.  Maybe he is just sooo tall and the fact that I was lying down, but he seemed so far away.  I felt like I needed his face to be right up against mine so that I could see him better.  But, once the process REstarted with the rubber band, all I wanted was his hand on my eyes.  Which is how it stayed for the remainder of the time.

Then she started talking.  I should make a list of rules for the vampires when I so unfortunately visit their caves:
1. Use the right arm - no need to tap like a maniac.  Just use the right arm and make it quick.
2. I need to lie down or I will pass out, puke or otherwise damage one of us in this process.
3. I hate the rubber band.  Please have all of your blood sucking supplies ready BEFORE you wrap my arm.
4. I know you are trying to take my mind off of things but DO NOT talk to me.  I don't want to converse with you.  This is not a good time for me.  If you would like to become my Facebook friend or would like to meet for happy hour sometime, fine.  But, while I am strapped down in your cave, we are NOT friends and I DON'T want to talk.

She was asking us about the pregnancy.  Is this my first baby?  Do we know the sex?  Did we want to be surprised?  Something about her kids or something.  She was talking about all the rest when the needle was being inserted and the stars flooded my eyes.  My entire mind and body concentrated on breathing in and out.  In and out.  In and out.  Deep, loud breaths.  In and out.  I think I kept hearing her talk and I think T was entertaining her by acting as if he cared.  But I kept interrupting with "is it almost over?"  Yes, I was told by both of them.  Then, what felt like hours after I originally asked (and there was still chatter), IS IT ALMOST OVER??  Yes, I was told again.  Liars!!  No, actually, it was almost over that time and, finally, the rubber band was released from my arm (the first relief).  Then I felt the cotton ball on my arm (second relief), then it was over and I could sit up (whoa, WINNIE IS STILL SPINNING).  My legs were very shaky and I was feeling very nauseous so we sat there for a couple of minutes.  To thank me for their daily dose of blood, I was offered a small piss cup of water as a parting gift.  Which I accepted thankfully since I felt like I had gum stuck to my lips!

I finally got up, headed straight for the potty, peed and put a cold paper towel on the back of my neck.  I bolted out the bathroom door, the cave door and then the main entrance.  As soon as we were out, T took off the restrictive bandage from my arm.  I wanted no sign of what just happened.  I saw the small hole and it still hurt from the stick which made me feel a little queasy all over again.  We jumped in the car and turned on the air.  T kept telling me to breathe slower so I wouldn't pass out.  It is amazing what fear will do to you.  I didn't realize I was breathing fast or heavy.  I just knew that I felt like I was going to pass out or throw up.

But, it was over.  We won't get the results of the test until the first of next week.  If I fail, I am SUPPOSED to go back for the "3 hour" version of the test.  That's when you - get poked, drink juice and then get poked again on the hour for 3 hours.  Folks, this just may not happen.  I cannot imagine going through that!!  Please keep your fingers, legs, toes, eyes, boogers, whatever, crossed that I will pass this damn test.  Please.  I know some of you believe in god and stuff so, if prayer is your thing, that would be fine.  I am going to be on my best behavior to keep my karma in check this weekend and will be looking for lucky pennies (face up) while going on with life the next couple of days.  PLEASE.  I MUST pass this test.  This is more important to me than any other test I have taken...driving test, SATs, etc.

After a yummy lunch at On the Border, we are now home.  T will be leaving soon to pick up Tay from school and I will be leaving around 4 or 4:30 to go to the salon to get my hair done and my brows waxed (ahh, more pain to add to the mix).  I am looking forward to getting my hair done.  Hoping that will take my mind off of the hole in my arm and the pending results.  I am sure my mind won't be there when I am paying the SALON sized bill at the end!  But it will be worth the head massage! 

Be gone, you wicked vampires.  You have enough of my blood!!  Go find some other blood filled human beasts, suckers!!  The next time I cut myself with a knife or my stepdaughter turns on the disposal while my hand is in it, I will save you some blood in a mason jar.  Store it and leave me be.

gross vampire Pictures, Images and Photos


  1. It is so different to me how much you HATE giving blood. I know it doesn't hurt or anything but it just goes to show how people let fear get the best of them sometimes. I try to compare your fear to what I would be going through if someone strapped me down and rubbed carpet all over me. I would freak the EFF out!! I'm glad Todd is so sympathetic and understanding with you. It helps a lot I'm sure ;)

  2. I still do not get why they had to take sooooo much... What the hell does your age or anything else have to do with it... blood is blood and a glucose test is the same no matter the amount... I DO think they are a vile group of evil doctors you have... Too bad!!! They don't seem to take your feelings to heart and thats pretty sad to do to a pregnant woman... Either way... GOOD JOB!!!! Ry-