...until the next rain shower.
It has been a tough week and a half for my emotional and mental state but I think I have finally reached the other side and am finally seeing the light. I would blame my dark week on hormones and, although I do believe some of it was because of that, the other part of it is the blame of my "charming" personality.
I do believe that it all started with the car trade. Losing my car was like losing a part of me, a part of who I am. It was the last thing that was all mine and, other than my pets, the last thing connecting me to home. It also symbolized a big change in my lifestyle. No more will a sports car be accommodating. Now, because of baby, we must have more room to sit, store and ride. It all makes perfect sense but, perfect sense doesn't always go hand in hand with perfect emotions.
From there I started feeling a little resentful about the whole family thing. Yes, I know. I chose to be pregnant and chose to have a kid. But making choices doesn't always mean that you will feel good about them every second of the day. I made the choice to move across the country from my entire family. It was my choice and the right choice...but it is STILL hard after all these years. I still wish I could move home (with T of course). I still get homesick and cry. I still miss my parents daily. My choice, a lifestyle choice, a hard choice, and a choice that still has it's dark times.
After seeing Londyn screaming because she was hungry (and she is a good baby, mind you - you hardly ever hear her cry unless she needs something) freaked me out and made me wonder if all this was the right choice. Watching Lauren have to leave the table at Buffalo Wild Wings for an hour to feed or taking an hour out of visiting after dinner to feed, all that doesn't seem like something I could do. But she makes due and I don't think she cares all that much about it. So that's good! But I know I am a different personality and it may be harder for me. Of course, I could always pump...but, in the darkness of the hour and with all of the other changes going on around me (and in me), I freaked out and thought...OMG, what have I done? This looks harder and less fun than I had originally thought. But I am sure you learn to work with it.
I know I am a different bird...heck, a different species...than other's around me and I never expect anyone to understand me. Well, other than T, Mom, Dad and Amy. They truly seem to understand me, for which I am so thankful. So I have to do things my way. I have to go through my emotions my way. Luckily, I have T to lean on daily and I couldn't ask for better support. He is my anchor, my foundation. He gets me through the cloudy days and helps me see the sunny ones ahead. He knows that change is hard for me and he knows how important it is to me to have parts of my life back after baby is born. I am very lucky to have him in my life. His love is my strength.
But, as time moves on and my dream car sits on an auction block somewhere hoping for a good home, I am finding a common ground with the family truckster. It certainly is not my dream car and will probably never be what my red car was to me. But it gets us around, has some interesting (and some unnecessary) bells and whistles, should be pretty reliable and is becoming less smoky smelling every day. So there are some positives. I did drive it to meet Amy for dinner last night and, as cool as the night air was last night when we left, I opened the sunroof and tried to pretend "the top was down." Of course I feel like I am driving a semi, as big as it is, but it helped me to pretend.
Each morning I wake up feeling a little bit better inside. I am trying to re-establish my bond with Cashew since I have been mentally separated from the idea for over a week. But I am not trying too hard. I know it will come. And, like all the gushy new Mom's tell me (and some of the older Mom's too - right Mom?), the moment I see Cashew will be "it." So that's what I am hanging my hat on. I have to be realistic, because I know myself so well, there could possibly be more rain clouds in the forecast over the next couple of months. But I am hoping for mostly sunny skies!!
Today I woke up after a half way decent night of sleep (only had to get up to pee once) and felt amazing. Like I was refreshed...like someone poured the keg of Gatorade over my head! I feel good about what I need to accomplish today and what I need to accomplish in my future. I have decided that I AM going to do the Halloween party this year and that I WILL have kids here. And it WILL be fun! I mean, it IS one of my parties, right?? Haha!! It will all be fine and I will be able to be an adult again and have adult fun. I will make that happen. As a matter of fact, I am planning on starting a 2010 Bunko group! I am going to send out an email to see who would be interested and get a Bunko team together. That will be an instant "girls night" once a month (but there will be more 'girls nights' and 'date nights' than that, mind you). I am really excited to start planning this! I think it is soooo important to keep a part of who you are and make yourself happy. I would not be a very good mom otherwise. I need to still have my time, my friends, and my date nights mixed in with whatever baby needs. It will make for a better mom and person overall. I will not lose who I am.
T agrees with all of that and takes it one step further saying that he and I will take a big trip (we are thinking Hawaii) after the baby is born. Not sure when, may be later in 2010 or early 2011, but he is adamant that we take a trip together to reconnect. I am all for it! I know I will probably be like most new moms and connected at the hip (or boob) for a while after baby is born but I will make myself take the trip no matter what. I do believe that our connection is VERY important for a healthy, happy family. And, who wouldn't want to sip adult bevs out of a coconut on the beach after such a life changing, life altering thing??
Anyway, the bottom line is this...I am very happy with my decision to have Cashew. It will not always be roses along the way but I will do the best I can to keep looking ahead. I want Cashew to be healthy and happy and have the best parents on the planet. That means, there will be times that the parents will need to leave Cashew with Grandma so that they can go out and connect. But that won't mean we love Cashew any less. We will do fun things with Cash and Tay and life will be good. Hell, life will be great! And it already is. But forgive me if I have my moments of dark clouds and doubt. It is a part of life for normal people...for honest people. Everyone, no matter what they say, has these moments. It is just that everyone deals with them differently and there is no right or wrong to how it is dealt with...
So I am back and ready for the future. BRING IT ON, CASH! I can handle this and I WILL handle this. I am just slowly adapting to the idea of family and babies after 36 years of not wanting that! Haha! I think I am doing pretty damn good!