Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Week 9 Visit

This entry won't be a very long one because I am feeling pretty queasy and very tired right now. But I definitely wanted to update you on the week 9 doctor appointment I had yesterday.

I had a lot of anxiety heading to my appointment that morning. I have been having a hard time with being pregnant because I don't like feeling so restricted from doing things I enjoy doing. And it is even harder when you don't "feel" pregnant, you're not showing and you feel sick all the time. So I had been griping quite a bit and, as I was driving into town for the appointment, I started wondering if I had jinxed myself. I was afraid that they were going to find that the embryo had died or something just as bad. And, to make things worse, I was on my own since T was out of town.

Cutting to the chase, when Hutch came in, I expressed my anxiety and she immediately did the internal ultrasound to ease my concerns. Sure enough, as soon as the wand made it to its destination, I immediately saw the heart beat - bigger and stronger than the last ultrasound at seven weeks. I could see arm stubs, leg stubs and something that actually resembled a head! It was so strange. And the heart looked like it was "in" something - like a chamber - instead of just floating in space like week 7. I couldn't believe how much bigger it (and my uterus) had gotten over a mere 2 week period! Cashew had gone from 1/2 inch to an inch. It doesn't sound like much but it looked like a huge difference on the screen.

I felt much better after seeing cashew. I was so glad that I wouldn't have to give T bad news and that everything was right on target. I think the viewing made me feel more attached than I had least temporarily (until I found out I can't ride roller coasters!) the rest of the appointment went well. Didn't even pee on my hand!

My next appointment will be for the NT Scan on June 8. It will be at a different office than Hutch. They will take an ultrasound and measure the thickness on the back of cashew's neck. That combined with a blood test (uuugghhh) will help give us an idea via a percentage or whether or not we are at high risk for Down's or Trisomy. I think the results come back in a week. Let's hope for the best and that we won't have to make any difficult decisions.

After that, we have another appointment with Hutch on June 18. Another ultrasound to check progress. It's so nice that we are getting so many pictures from these ultrasounds! Speaking of which, here are the ones from week 9:




For comparison, here is week 7 pic:

Pretty crazy! Other than that, I am still tired and queasy most of the time. Major smell sensitivities and mood swings that could scare an inmate. I am grumpy because I feel that being pregnant is boring. There isn't much you can do, eat or drink. But I am trying to change my attitude knowing that I will be able to do those things again in time. I am happy that cashew is growing as it is supposed to and that things seem to be progressing.

I will write a letter to cashew when I am less drained...goodnight for now.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Week 8, Day 6: The recent scares...

This pregnancy thing is for the birds (and the bees, I hear). I mean, you can't do anything you really enjoy, your eating and drinking is restricted, you're sick/achy/crampy/tired all the time and every little thing scares the bejesus out of you. Here are the two recent bejesus scares that we have encountered.

The first is due to the lack of smarts my doc's office staff seems to have. Please know that my doc is supposedly the best in Tucson. And I truly think she is. Hutch is professional, personable and makes you feel like you are her daughter, not her patient, at each visit. You can tell she loves her job because you can feel genuine excitement when she sees the ultrasound pic. Even if it is only a sack.

But her staff? Well, they are a different story. My last visit included the dreaded blood work. Because the blood work was done at a lab in a different office than my doc, I didn't know if someone would be calling me with results or if I needed to follow up. Therefore, when I hadn't heard anything by Thursday of that week, I called the office to see about the results. To be honest, I didn't even really know what the hell they were testing for but I wanted to seem like I was on top of things and, since they felt the need to drain me of blood, I felt the need to know what they found out.

The nurse that would be able to tell me this information was "busy with another patient" when I called so they put me through to her voice mail. I left my information and told her what I was calling about and, according to the message on the vmail box, they were to respond within 24 hours. Well, don't count on that. I didn't hear back until this past Wednesday (almost a week later). Her message was very choppy and she sounded very confused and, honestly, incompetent. She said everything looked ok and that I am B positive (which I already knew at this point). I am HIV negative - umm, ok. Thanks for letting me know. I kinda already figured that. But then she gets to something on the paper and stops. She starts doing this: "well, now wait....ummm...hmmm...well, there's something here....well, we will just talk to you about it at your next appointment...." This nerve wracking "ummms" and "hmmms" went on for minutes (or at least it felt like it) and the words "rubella" and "measles" kept getting mixed in with her inconsiderate hesitations. Well, I just chalked it up to no big deal. If it were a big deal, I am sure she would have asked me to call her back or come in earlier.

So, later that evening, I mention to T that I finally got a call back from the doc office about my results. I told him what the nurse had said and the weird, incompetent "umms" and "hmms" and I mentioned the word "rubella". OMG. Was that a mistake! T was freaking out!! I mean, really freaking out!!! He was like "you have rubella????? That's SERIOUS!!" I started feeling my blood pressure rising and sweat breaking out around my hair line. I was like "I don't think I HAVE it, she just said something about it and that they would talk to me about it at my next appt." He flew like the wind to the Mac in the living room and googled 'rubella.' Instantly, tears welled up in his eyes as he read what could happen to the baby (forget the incubator herself) if I had rubella. Still birth, deformities, baby dies within a month...if you even get that could also cause miscarriage this early on..yadda yadda.

He started quizzing me about how I felt. Do I have a rash? No...well, maybe I do now but I think it is from the stress sweat pooling on my lower back. Do I feel feverish? No...but I feel like I am going to puke or have diahrrea every five minutes...but that has been for weeks now. He was totally upset and, according to the look in his red glassy eyes, the pregnancy might as well be over. His boy cashew was a deformed kid that will be born still - dreams were gone. I will admit I got defensive. Probably because T is my rock. My positive force that keeps telling me things will be ok, that I will have a life again, that things will be even better. To watch him fall apart sent me tail spinning into a drama fest that had me raising my hormonal voice a tad. "There is nothing I can do right now about it," I kept telling him...but then I remembered that we have the most AWESOME OB nurse in our family. His SMom Linda.

Linda and I texted back and forth until she gave up on the small keys and just called me. She assured me I did NOT have rubella. The blood work tests to see if I am IMMUNE to rubella and, according to Linda, most women past 16 are NOT immune to rubella because their childhood immunization shots wore off. She said I had nothing to worry about. What they will probably talk to me about at my next appt is to stay away from kids with a fever and a rash. I said, well, I will be traveling in July - what if a kid on the plane has it. She said that the liklihood of running into any kid (or anyone) with rubella is highly unlikely. All kids are immunized and, since they are the biggest germ carriers, there should be no one we would encounter that would spread it to me or the cashew. Whew, fear averted. All is well again. And, although T was bouncing around in a great mood after Linda's info, it took me a while to regain my composure and stop the sweat beads from soaking my sports bra.

The other sorta scare was last night. We went to the movies after having greasy bar food and I ended up with my usual movie snack - nachos with peppers. All day (and probably for the last week) I have been stressing and complaining about how much I don't like not being able to do things I want to do. How scared I am of having to tote around a kid all the time for the next 18 or more years. You know, all the things that I think normal women fear during pregnancy. Especially when the pregnancy is so early that you don't feel attached or like you are really pregnant other than the waves of nausea and comatose naps.

Well, we were leaving the movies and I felt a pretty intense crampy/pain type thing in my lower left pelvis. When I held it in, it felt better. Now, if I hadn't had two ultrasounds up to this point, I would have been scared out of my mind that it was an ectopic pregnancy but we know that's not the case. I went to the restroom on the way out to pee and saw absolutely no blood (and haven't even had a tint of blood this whole time) so that was reassuring. But it is still scary walking the long trek back to the car wondering if all hell is going to break loose any minute. But I kept reminding myself that I bled FIRST before the cramping started last time.

With the way T reacted to the rubella incident, I decided to down play the pain I was feeling and just get home. But I will admit I was scared and bracing myself for another miscarriage. But then I realized something...I swam pretty hard with Tatum on Friday. My inner thighs were actually a little sore on Saturday morning and, knowing the muscles you use to swim, I realized that my lower abs probably got quite a work out as well. So maybe that was it - plus, it DID feel a lot more like a muscle pull than a uterus cramp.

Then I also had another thought - this one not so lady like or graceful. Maybe it's gas. I mean, I did have a lot of grease and nacho cheese that will kill you in large quantities. If that's the case, a simple process of "waiting it out" might be all I need.

All of this made me realize that, even though I am not one of those women that revel in pregnancy and show off belly and whatnot, I don't want to have a miscarriage either. I do want things to progress wonderfully. I instantly felt bad for my earlier ranting and, since T and I now have a babysitter strategy (that is top secret) at dinner, I already felt much better about getting myself back to normal someday and being able to have the fun I so desperately miss from time to time. I guess that's how nature works. It takes an incompetent nurse or gas bubbles the size of Manhattan to make you realize you are ok with things.

Today I feel pretty good. I still have waves of nausea. Water still makes me want to gag. I had my usual bathroom excitement this morning. I napped at lunch. And I am cramping on the other side (which feels more like my uterus expanding or something). But, other than that Mrs Lincoln, how ARE you enjoying this play?? But all in all I am ok, not bleeding and temporarily not bitching. So that makes for a good day. Too bad T's missing it!! Haha! =]

Two more days until my appointment at 9 weeks. This is when most women go for their first appointments and I have been lucky enough to already have two. From what I have read, I should be able to hear a heartbeat. I feel bad that T will be out of town for this one but I am planning on taking the camera and videoing it so that he can experience it on the road. A few more weeks will be the NT Scan test to see what my odds are (or cashew's odds are) for abnormalities. Not looking forward to that because of more blood work! These daggone vampire doctors!!!

That's all for now. Keep positive thoughts rolling along!! So far, so good!!

Monday, May 11, 2009

Week 8, Day 0: Tired of being sick and tired

I should look back on old posts and see where I am talking about not having any nausea and my concern that I didn't have any. Well, over the past two weeks or so, I have sure made up for lost time. Every day I seem to have a bout of queasiness and I always feel tired. I really am getting tired of feeling this way. I went to the gym today and noticed that I can't lift as much weight as I used to and doing cardio is becoming more of a chore than before. But I am not going to stop working out. I will push myself and make myself do it because it is so good for you and because I want to be able to snap back quickly after I become bigger than a house.

I think I am getting overly frustrated because I don't "feel" pregnant. I don't look pregnant. But I have to act pregnant and be sick all the time. I have to sacrifice things I love and who I am to be an incubator. It can really wear on my nerves and my attitude is suffering. But I am hoping that my appointment next week will help me reconnect with everything. Maybe it will give me a new outlook. I think the unknown of the first tri and the unknown of possible abnormalities is keeping my excitement at bay. Maybe that's ok for now.

Anyway, I don't have much of an update...not much new at this point. But I did want to welcome any new readers that heard the news from my Chronicles blog. Shhhh - it's still a secret.

Five more weeks until the safe zone...

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Week 7, Day 1: The Appointment

Well, D Day has come and gone. My arm still feels the twinges of where the needle was inserted to give Dr. Dracula their taste for blood. I will get to that fun part in a bit. First was the doctor exam that included a pap smear (boys, be glad you are boys) and an internal ultrasound.

I must admit, I couldn't decide what I was most nervous about, the bloodwork or the possibility of not seeing a heartbeat on the ultrasound. First things first. They had to weigh me in. 142.8 - not sure if I should be sharing my muscular weight with the world but that's where I am now and it will be interesting to see that number increase over the next several months!!

After the weigh in, I was given a test strip that looks similar to what you would test the chlorine in your pool with and told to hit the head. Isn't it ironic that women have to pee on or in strange items and guys don't? And guys are made in a way that would certainly improve aim (or so you would think - others may beg to differ based on toilet rims). Well, putting a Dixie cup down there to catch some pee to dip a stick in is no easy task. And I had the extreme pleasure of wetting my hand. Just lovely. It is quite a trick to abonish that hand while you try to sit the cup down, dip the stick, wipe and pull up your pants. Made me wonder if there was a hidden camera in that bathroom recording these funny mishaps for the next OB GYN convention!

When Dr Hutch came in, she was as bubbly as always and said that, even though I had a pap in October (good for me, huh??), she was going to go ahead and do another to be safe (welp, so much for 'good for me'). That procedure is certainly something I do not enjoy and one that I have never done in front of anyone other than the doctor - until today. T was able to experience the joys of a pap! But Hutch is a pro - it goes by very quick with very little to NO discomfort whatsoever.

After my pap, she took the magic wand with an interesting condom cover to my lower nethers (I don't know what that means but it sounded classier than other options). She turned on the monitor and you could sense everyone taking a deep breath of air as she made her way through the tunnel to see the seed.

First off, there IS only one seed!!! No twins this go around! We are looking at a single seed growing in there. We were very relieved, to be honest, that we are a singleton family! And, as for our developing seed...

...I couldn't believe it. Really couldn't believe it. Right away you could see an obvious flutter! It looked strong and steady...and beautiful. Do you know that it is actually LESS THAN a half an inch and it already has a heartbeat. Unbelieveable. It certainly had me staring and T was so excited I thought he was going to explode!

She says the seed is measuring perfect with my timeline - 7 w and 1 d. This may be a day or something off from what my posts reflect but it is definitely the new timeline. She also gave me a new due date of 12/22 instead of 12/21....all that much closer to Christmas. Pack your sleighs, my awesome parents, you are going to be spending Christmas in the desert!!! =]

Here are some images of the seed. You are looking at the round tear drop shape that is the gestational sack. Inside the sack you will see a circle that may look like a head at first glance. It isn't. It is the yolk sack which essentially is the forming placenta. The shape that looks linked to the yolk sack is our apple seed...Dr Hutch called it a cashew. On the third pic, if you look real close, you will see crosshairs that illustrate the head to the tail.




And here is a look at me at 7 weeks. I think I am a little bloated because I demanded a caramel shake today!! I can't tell if it is bloat or a slight bit of "showing":

Ok, so the moment I am sure you all want to hear about - the bloodwork. I told Todd, I sure get on my own nerves with this ridiculous phobia. But it's here and it's real. Dr Hutch didn't mention anything about bloodwork while we were in the exam room and I sure wasn't going to bring it up - she knows best! But, as we were leaving, they gave me a cute bag with some samples in it and, low and behold, paper work to take over to the lab next door for....bloodwork. I asked them if I needed to have it done today and they explained that I could have it done anytime before my next two weeks.

I am sure you know what through my mind...two weeks? I will just wait! But T did the right thing and guided me over to the neighboring lab to go ahead and get it done. I was terrified during the wait. Every time the door leading to the back would open, I felt my butt cheeks clench and the wave of nausea hit my throat. When the lady at the front desk called my name, I about jumped out of my skin. She was only needing my insurance card but I was still a little shaken. She also gave me a cup to pee in. Really? More pee? I just peed a cup full (and a handful) at Hutch's office.

I sat back down and waited anxiously for my turn. When they finally called me back, I took my ipod and headed toward the door. I told the lady immediately that I am a fainter and need to lie down. She guided me into a room...that already had someone in it. There was a man in the room sitting in what looked like an electric chair. How I have to be brave not only for myself and in front of the lab folks but also some homeless looking fellow in the electric chair. I wasn't too thrilled.

Luckily, he was done with his vampire session before mine started. I was so frozen with fear that I didn't even get the headsets on for my ipod. Next time I am definitely going to be sure I have that detail taken care of before the paper begins to unwrap to expose the needle. The lady had me lay down on a paper covered table. She wrapped that horrible rubber torture device around my bicep and told me to make a fist. I should have a rule book for these folks so they understand how I operate. As soon as you touch my arm with a rubber band, my hand is paralyzed and unable to make a fist.

After making me spit out my gum, after two wraps of the torture band, and after an eternity of vein tapping the guy helping my lady warned me "here comes a strong pinch." And it was. I focused on my breathing and just tried to keep my sanity (and consciousness) during the procedure that felt like an hour (when it was probably only a minute). I guess things weren't flowing smoothly because they asked me if I had any water before the procedure. Not to mention it took forever to get it done.

When it was all complete, the lady wrapped a big wad of tape around my arm. That is such bad news for me. It feels as tight as the torture band and makes my hand completely numb. But I just wanted out of there. She helped me sit up and directed me to the bathroom to do my pee sample. So I went. And then I the cup and, yes, on my hand. I sure hope I get better at this before the end of this pregnancy! I have to pee in a cup every visit!!

Once I made it out to the waiting area, I didn't speak a word. Only grabbed my things (including T) and briskly made my way out of that hell of a place. Once outside, I screeched to T to loosen the tape on my arm. During the process it fell off and that was fine with me. On to the car we went. I instantly started tearing up and realized that I felt very sick to my stomach. As we rode around to get to lunch, I was anticipating a pit stop in the bike lane for me to hurl. But it didn't happen.

So that's my blood story. I may need to experience this excitement again in 4 weeks. We have decided to do the NT scan at 11 weeks. This will help us determine if the apple seed has Downs Syndrome or Trisomy. They scan for these conditions after 11 weeks and before 13 weeks. So I have more time to stress!

Our next appointment is May 19 for another internal ultrasound. This shouldn't be a concern - it is more for our piece of mind. I must admit that I am looking forward to seeing how much it will have grown by then.

Dear Baby,

Wow! We saw your heartbeat today! You are less than an inch long and you already have a heartbeat. It is so incredible. Maybe I am biased because I am incubating you, but it sure looked like a strong little heart! Daddy and I both think that you are quite the trooper and that you are in it for the long haul!! We are very glad about that.

I will admit that my logical mind is keeping me from being overly excited until you and I get out of the dreaded first trimester. But Daddy keeps telling me that he is confident you will be ok and still believes that you are a boy! I am so glad that he, as well as your grandparents, are all feeling positive vibes about you and me. We have some other milestones to accomplish but we will. One day at a time.

Your Aunt Lauren and Uncle Ryan took the furniture that was in what was previously called the craft (or crap) room. So now it is a bit more empty than before. It was kind of exciting taking that furniture out and thinking about the possibility of the furniture that may go in soon. Your furniture.

The next time I see you will be May 19. I will be at 9 weeks and you will be 7 weeks old. I am looking forward to seeing your heart beat again. Hang in there, our little apple seed...our little cashew. Today was a magical time, seeing your heart beat. Let's make more magical moments together!


Monday, May 4, 2009

Week 7, Day 0: May 4, 2009

Today I finally decided to start my official blog to document this happy occasion. I was doing my "entries" in word format but it was becoming difficult to keep track of everything. Only a few people will have access to this site (by the means of me giving out the address) until another 5 or so weeks pass by but this will make it easier for me to keep up with my entries.

Today marks 7 weeks according to all of the pregnancy tickers and things of the sort. I do believe my doctor calculates it differently so, on her scale, I may be a few days shy of 7 weeks. Either way, I passed my first milestone of 6 weeks which is when my miscarriage happened last December. I was thinking this morning how ironic, or plain strange, it is that I may be delivering this baby around the same time I had my miscarriage before. Within a few days possibly. I don't know why this came to mind but it did.

Everything seems to be going ok. All my big talk about not getting morning sickness (and the worry I had because I didn't have it) has come around and bitten me in my rear! I have been nauseous for days - almost a week - now and it just comes and goes whenever it likes. I feel sick if I don't eat and I feel sick if I do. Sometimes I don't feel sick at all but that's usually when I feel very tired. T has been very understanding about my lack of motivation and my new found laziness - he keeps reminding me that my body is working extra hard right now. But it is still frustrating for this workaholic girl to feel like she can't complete her chores, doesn't want to fix dinner (can you imagine), and falls into a coma no later than 10 every night on the couch. Not to mention my shortness of breath when I work out and the fact that I feel weaker than I have ever been when I am lifting weights. But, never fear, I am listening to my body. It is a loud talker and I must do what it says at all costs. When I start feeling faint or lightheaded, I slow down. I may be crazy but I am hardly stupid...

So Wednesday is our next visit and it will be the doozie. No getting out of things this time. Full exam followed by blood work. Man, my hands started sweating instantly when I typed that. I am bound and determined to make it look effortless and to make T proud. That will be my goal. The sooner I have it done, the better I will be and the longer it will be before I have to do it again. If I could just get through the "doing it" stage without the cold chills and body aches that I am already feeling as I talk about it!

This visit will also be interesting because of that "second sack" possibility. I am thinking it won't be there this time. I just hope that, whatever is there, is stuck there and growing correctly. I am terrified of going in to find out that things aren't going well and that everything is coming to an end. Absolutely terrified. So, needless to say, Wednesday is D Day for me. I am both looking forward to it and dreading it all at the same time.

Other than that, I am still null and void of all caffeine other than my one 20 oz Circle K tea on Sunday mornings, of course no alcohol - even during the largest national holiday of Kentucky, the Derby, and trying to eat the best I can without hurling. So I feel like things are moving along.

I just realized that I may have my parents in town for Christmas this year!!!! All traditions may have to be shifted this year because of a new Grandkid! Come on out, folks! You will love the desert at Christmas!!! Leave your heavy coats at home! =]

Dear Baby Apple Seed,

It is amazing that we reached our first milestone. We have many more to go but I have confidence we can do it. Well, honestly I worry constantly that something will happen so maybe my confidence isn't steadfast. But prove me wrong! Isn't that what kids always want to do anyway? Prove their parents wrong? Go for it! I endorse it at this point and will condemn it later in your teenage years!

We are looking forward to seeing a little alien you on Wednesday. Dr. Hutch says that we should be able to see some "fluttering" this visit which I am pretty sure is your early heartbeat. All of my books say that this is a very productive week for you. You are having a major growth spurt and will develop little limbs that will resemble fins for a bit. Maybe you will be a good swimmer!

Hang in there, apple seed. Daddy is sure you are a boy and says that you take after him. He is overly confident that you will grow big and strong and won't be brought down by any means! Just like Daddy. But, in case you are a girl, don't worry. Daddy is a sucker for girls! You will definitely be treated as a princess and will probably have the best car on the market at 16! But don't count on dating for quite a while. You may have to move out first.

We can't wait to see you Wednesday. We will give you a wave and blow you a kiss like the cheesy weirdos that we are. Poor may decide to stay in there!


Week 6, Day 0: April 28, 2009

Today was the dreaded doctor’s appointment. Right at 6 weeks – a huge milestone for me because of having a miscarriage at 6 weeks in December. I thought for sure that today would consist of a blood draw and a full OB exam. I had myself completely stressed and in the worst mood because of the potential blood work that would have to be done.

However, it never took place. Dr. Hutch came in and gave me a HUGE hug and congratulated me on the pregnancy. Todd was with me the whole time and was able to experience everything even though there wasn’t a whole lot to experience.

Dr. H did a vaginal ultrasound to see how things were progressing. She was very encouraged that everything was looking good so far. There was an obvious gestational sac that looked to be the right size and she spotted a faint fetal pole (whatever that is). All this equaled to what she said was a great start!

She also noticed something else in my uterus. Her first reaction was that it was another sac! I didn’t know exactly what that meant or, if I did, I wasn’t sure how to respond. She said, “how would you all feel about two pregnancies?” I didn’t even know what to say. T said he had to lean against the wall so that he wouldn’t fall face first to the floor. She said that it could possibly be that or it could be a little blood detected because of (or in, or something) the placenta. At this point my brain was mush because of the second sac comment.

So, here is where we stand. One sac that is looking good so far and a second possible sac. I have another appointment next Wednesday. We should know more at that time. I will also have to do the dreaded blood work that day (ugh) and probably a full OB exam. But I am anxious to find out what that other…mass…is. I think T has it in his head that we have two babies in there. I just can’t seem to grasp that…not yet anyway.

Here is a pic of our ultrasound today. The sac in question is the one to the left of the main sac that you can see clearly.


Week 5, Day 5: April 25, 2009

Wow, time seems to be standing still! It feels like forever ago since I posted something new but it was only four days. First trimester is going to creep by – like a kid waiting for Christmas to get here. But two more days until my first appointment. I am nervous, anxious and excited about it. Afraid of what she will see, afraid of having my blood drawn, excited to see some mysterious mass that she will say is the healthy start to a baby, excited to get past the blood draw…

I have been in rare form the past couple of days. Well, not too rare. I do tend to have mood swings from time to time even without the excuse of pregnancy. But the past two days have been very hormonal. I have been a mixture of irritated, bummed out/depressed and “ancy”. I feel “bored” and irritated because I can’t even have a beer or rum. But, when I really think about those things, they kinda don’t even sound good. I don’t know. I think it is just a weird time because you are pregnant but you don’t look or feel pregnant yet you have to act pregnant. So it is just a weird transitional place.

The hard part is that I don’t want to feel these shameful emotions because I feel like I am jinxing my pregnancy. I definitely know I want this and that, deep down inside, I am more than happy to give up certain vices to have a healthy baby. So that makes me even more irritated that I am irritated!!! Plus, I am getting short and snippy with Tay and it certainly isn’t her fault. Which makes me feel like a bad mom in the making.

I am told that this is all because of the crazy hormones and that things will level out in the second trimester…if THAT ever gets here! Time is moving so incredibly slow!!! Isn’t that how I started this whole entry?? I should be happy how slow time seems to be crawling now that I am on the dark side of my 30s. But I honestly just want to take a huge leap forward and be in the more secure world of the second tri. But, then again, I want to enjoy each day of being pregnant…now if I can just stop being a biatch and enjoy it!!

No real new all. No morning sickness, my eating habits are about the same, girls still tender, still working out like I always have, mild cramping has pretty much ceased other than very minor ones from time to time. Not much else to talk about as of yet. Just looking forward to some good news Tuesday and trying not to eat the heads off of my family before then.

Dear Baby,

It still doesn’t feel real to me but I know you are in there. I know because my hormones are telling me so. I haven’t been a very nice person the past couple of days but it isn’t because I don’t want you. Honestly, I don’t know what it is but I DO know it isn’t that! I am so looking forward to seeing the little glob of mass that is you in the making Tuesday! I am hoping above all hope that Dr Hutch will tell me you look great and are developing well! I want that news…I need that news. I am so glad she is going to let me see you at six weeks instead of the usual 8 to 9 weeks. I feel so lucky to have her as a doctor…and to have your Daddy who asks about you often! And, more than anything, I feel so lucky to have you and will do anything in my power to keep you healthy. I even cut out all caffeine which has been hard but worth the piece of mind.

Hang on tight, baby! We are in this together and together we can make this happen!


Week 5, Day 1: April 21, 2009

Seven more days until my first appointment and I am already stressing about what they will find. Will the embryo be in the right place? Did it get lost on its way from the tube and end up somewhere it shouldn’t have? You know these kids today!!

Of course, my other stress is the pending blood draw that will take place that day. I am already trying to figure out how to maintain my composure during the procedure and, so far, have only come up with my iPod and T! I may need more than that but I have seven days to agonize over it.

Everything seems to be going pretty well from what I can tell on the outside. The bout of sickness must have been caused by nasty Cracker Barrel and not by hormones. I wasn’t sick at all last night. I made it to the gym this morning and really felt good about what I accomplished. However, I did feel weak on a couple of weight machines but decided not to push it too much. I want to stay in shape but I don’t want to do any damage either.

My girls are still sore and I am starting to feel fatigued and out of breath easily – but that could be because I didn’t eat much yesterday. I had a salad for lunch today, Fat Free Wheat Thins, Cream Cheese and Salsa for a snack and about to warm up some chili left overs for dinner. Let’s see how all that stays down. I think it will be fine.

I need to stop reading all of the different research out there. This is my new resolution. Everyone says something different and everything is worded to scare the life (quite literally) out of you! For instance, I read that you shouldn’t have caffeine AT ALL during the first tri because it could increase the chances of a miscarriage. However, I had read someplace else that anything under 200 mg is fine. I have been partaking in the only vice I can have right now – my Circle K ice tea – for the last two weeks! Now I don’t know what to do…stop or keep on? I looked up the amount of caffeine Lipton fountain tea has and, my 32 oz serving only gets me to about 30 mg of caffeine a day.

Seven more days…the dreaded but hoped for week 6….

Dear Baby,

How are YOU enjoying the Circle K ice tea? Actually, I don’t think that you receive any nutrients or substances directly from me at this time. You are still a pretty self contained little cell cluster the size, I am told, of a sesame seed. That’s pretty small!

I know you are busy in there trying to make yourself look good and feel good, which is very important to me. But, if you think of it next Tuesday, could you give me a boost of confidence when I go up against the dreaded needle? I don’t want to scare you about those things before you are even out but Mommy has a VERY hard time with them and could use a little boost of love!

Keep working hard! I don’t mind the mild cramping and the sleepies if that means you are doing good!


Week 5, Day 0: April 20, 2009

It has been about 5 days since I wrote an entry and not a day has gone by that I haven’t wondered what my new or existing symptoms mean and wonder if this much wanted pregnancy will end as the last. But I have been trying my best to keep my mind off of the negative and enjoy the positive. That I am pregnant now.

My Mom came for a visit on Friday. T and I were planning on telling her while she was here but were hoping we could do it together. I was wondering when we would be able to make the announcement since we wanted to do it without Tay’s knowledge (we don’t want to tell her until things are safer). I didn’t know if I would be able to wait until Tay went home Saturday night because I feared my Mom would guess before then. Little did I know!

As soon as Mom got in the car, us girls headed to the mall so that I could pick up a wedding gift for T’s friend who was getting married that Sunday. On the way there, Mom – who recently gave up drinking – told me that it was perfectly fine it I wanted to have adult beverages around her during her stay. Without thinking through the consequences, I said that I hadn’t really had a drink for a couple of weeks so no big deal. She looked at me – I could see it in my peripheral – with the “Mom” look and said, “is there a reason?” I couldn’t help but look uncomfortable and the guilty, yet excited, smile started to crawl across my face. “I knew it!” She exclaimed. She went on to tell me that she had told John (my SDad) before she left for the trip that she suspected I would be giving her some news upon her arrival. For the rest of the day we spoke in code to discuss the details leading up to my positive test and everything following. Mom’s excitement was interpreted by Tay as just her excitement to finally be in Tucson!

The rest of the weekend was relaxing and was full of catching up and visiting. It really helped those three days go by without the usual voice in the back of the noggin constantly questioning every cramp, pain and twinge. Sunday we met T’s Mom at Crackerbarrel so that the Mom’s could visit. I was leaving it up to T to tell his family so, while we sat at the table, I watched my Mom squirm in her seat with excitement as we all made small talk. Finally, my Mom mouthed to me “have you told her?” which led me to look at T with a look that summarizes that question. So he told her. He started with “remember what you asked me last week?” Turns out, she also had a suspicion back when the egg was probably first making the journey to get settled in its new home that something was going on. Weird.

For the rest of the breakfast, we received quite a few shoulder scrunching excitement looks from across the table. I immediately felt the ol’ quiet voice (or not so quiet) creep back up and make me wish I were closer to the end of my first trimester. I don’t want to be a disappointment – and I don’t want to be disappointed. Anytime I get too excited, I make myself back down a bit so that I don’t jinx the outcome. If only I could be excited and not worry about the next 7 weeks.

Sunday was the day I took Mom back to her shuttle drop off. She was feeling really sick from the brunch at Crackerbarrel and ended up getting really sick on the plane. After I dropped her off, I went to Target to pick up a last minute wedding card and then headed home to get some rest before heading to the wedding. T and I were driving separate because he had to get there three hours before the wedding for pictures. I felt fine at home, painted my nails, ate a little hummus and then changed clothes for the wedding. I arrived a little early, enjoyed the beautiful wedding (especially seeing T in a tux) and then made my way with the rest of the guests to the front of the mansion for a group photo. It was when I was making my way back to the reception area that I started feeling…strange. A little lightheaded, a slight bit of nausea sneaking in. I noticed that my sense of smell – which has always been a keen sense for me – was heightened. I could smell every cologne, every body odor, every flower on every vine that was covering the mansion trellises. I stood in the bar line with T’s boss as he finished doing pics with the wedding party. Of course I got some water while his boss and his boss’ wife got wine. There was a small appetizer display but I didn’t go near it because I still don’t know which cheeses are safe to eat and which aren’t…and cheese is what I would have gone after. So I sat at the table with them along with some other people T works with and struck up conversation. About 30 minutes into conversation, I started feeling my queasiness even more and was wondering why I felt the way I did. Was it from a lack of eating since brunch? Was it just a pregnancy symptom that I didn’t have before? Was it the smells? Was I tired?

Finally, the opened the buffet for dinner at 8 or so. The smell from the buffet line was absolutely breathtaking…and not in a good way. At all. We stood in line for what seemed like hours and I found myself leaning against T to keep from falling. My head was swimming and, if my nostrils could slam shut, they would. When we finally got to the very limited buffet table, I got a roll (bread surely would comfort my stomach), a little scoop of salad, about 2 or 3 small red potatoes, two spoons of mixed veggies and a tiny morsel of red meat. None of it looked good and the smell was about to make me take my plate to the ladies room. But I really felt that I just needed to get some food in my stomach to make it all better.

I picked around on my plate and everything I put in my mouth, no matter how small the bite, seemed to blow up into a huge portion which made it hard for me to choke down. After about 5 or 6 bites, I gave up. It didn’t taste good, it didn’t smell good and my stomach was past the point of forgiveness. Around 9 or 9:30 I couldn’t take anymore dinner, anymore small talk or anymore water from a solo cup. I had to go. I couldn’t even muster enough energy or tuck back the nausea long enough to say goodbye to anyone. I told T the scoop and quietly snuck out of the front of the mansion and briskly made my way to my car.

I got home around 10 and the rest of the night was the worse I have been in a long time. I started with extreme diarrhea and nausea. Every time I would lie back down in bed, I felt like I needed to get up to be sick again. I knew that it might be inevitable that I would have to vomit. I hate to puke so my body has always found a way to fight the urge…and win. But not tonight. By the time T was home and bringing me a sprite on ice, my head was in the toilet and my stomach exploded. Once that episode was done, I was hoping that getting to sleep would keep the monsters away. But that wasn’t the case. I was awoken in the middle of the night with the room spinning and another bout of nausea in full swing. I headed to the bathroom and had another date with the john. That would prove to be the last for the night. I still had a restless sleep but was glad that the vomiting had come to an end.

The next morning I felt weak and tired so I skipped the gym. I am looking forward to getting back to it and hope that this isn’t a “morning sickness” – which can happen any time of the day or night – that I will need to deal with for 7 more weeks. But I keep telling myself I will deal with anything other than the alternative…

Dear Baby,

Most of your Grandparents are in the know about you and are sending all of their positive vibes our way that you will develop beautifully and that Mommy will make it through the first trimester. Daddy and I are really excited to see us all make it over the next seven weeks and beyond. Hang in there, peanut. We want to meet you in December.


Week 4, Day 0: April 15, 2009

After my miscarriage, I had very emotional months wondering if THIS month would be my time to get pregnant. I was hesitant of the thought, to be honest. I wanted so bad to be pregnant but wanted so bad not to be terrified of being pregnant. What if I miscarry again. Especially now that I know that THIS is what I really want?

About a week ago, April 6, T and I went shopping for a new couch. I noticed on the drive that my stomach felt…tickly. Almost as if we were cruising among hills which, when I was a kid, I would call a wee road. When we arrived at the furniture store, I felt a strong tickling feeling – like butterflies – in my stomach. I kinda knew then but definitely wasn’t for sure and kept my head in projects so as to keep my mind off of it. Throughout the week I noticed moments of light headedness, weird cramping in my stomach (lighter than AF cramps). I wasn’t for sure and still didn’t want to think about the possibility. I didn’t want to be disappointed. I kept telling myself that, if this wasn’t my month, that would be ok. I have plenty of projects to keep me busy.

This past Monday, I had severe mood swings and emotional breakdowns. Now, as a female, I do have the tendency of having mood swings during PMS. I won’t lie. But these were off the charts. And they were followed by crying. And still cramping.

Yesterday, Tuesday, was the D-Day for AF. Since getting off the pill, I have been very regular with a true 28 day cycle. No AF. Not even a sign of her. Not even a phone call. Interesting, I thought, but no hopes up.

After talking to Lauren, I decided that it may be ok to test on Wednesday even though my nerves were pushing me to wait until Friday. At 4 AM, I woke up needing to pee so bad I thought my bladder would explode all over the bed. I decided, what the heck. I don’t have my hopes up and I am fine if it is negative so I should go ahead and check it out.

I pulled out the ClearBlue digital and did the best I could, at 4 AM, to coordinate a stick below me to catch the flow. This is not easy – especially as blurry eyed as I was at the time. I sleepily counted to 5, put the lid back on, wiped off…well, you get the idea, and sat it on the small table next to the toilet. I went back to finishing what I started – gratefully so – and closed my eyes. When I opened them, I slowly turned to the small table and the wand sitting so mysteriously on top. The angle of the ceiling light to the test made it a little hard to read but I could tell there was only one word…not two.

I started crying - part from excitement and part from fear. Unfortunately, the first thing that I thought was that I was going to have to go through another miscarriage. How could this be? But then I would start to get excited, maybe I won’t have a miscarriage again! This could be it! Then the fear, then the excitement. This continued as I turned off the light, opened the door and started to make my way back to bed. Just then I heard a voice in the dark – “are you ok?” Yes, I’m pregnant. And here come the tears again. I told him I was scared and then the crying really started. He invited me to lay next to him and gave me a secure hug. He proceeded to tell me that he has a very good feeling about this and that this time is going to be it. I want to believe him so bad.

All day was a bag of mixed emotions. I continued to try my strategy I adopted before getting pregnant – keep my mind involved in tasks and projects. I worked hard today on chores and grocery and tried to keep my fears to a minimum. As a matter of fact, I have tried to keep all thoughts of being pregnant to a minimum only thinking of them when I am about to have something to eat or drink.

The doctor estimates I am 4 weeks pregnant. My estimated due date is December 21, 2009. A Christmas baby. OMG I just said baby. I cannot even imagine ME with a baby! That blows my mind. At least I have some time – I hope – to get my head around it!

My first appointment will be at the 6 week mark which I am so thankful for. Most women don’t get an appointment until 8 or 9 weeks but Dr H knows how scared I am of miscarrying so she is going to get me in earlier. I guess a heartbeat can be detected that early. Amazing.

The 6 week mark is my first hurdle to overcome – this is when I had my miscarriage. The next hurdle will be the 12 week mark (the end of the first trimester which holds most of the challenges). I am only telling parents and a few very close friends. Otherwise, the news is off limits until I am out of the first tri. I can’t go through facing family and friends again if another miscarriage happens. So this is why the blog away from the blog. I am going to keep a daily diary of the progression (I hope) of my pregnancy and will post it on my blog week 13.

Dear Baby,

This is your first order from your mother! Stick in there! Be healthy! Grow strong! Come out happy and healthy! This is an order! Or you are grounded for life!

I am so happy to have you inside of me. It is very surreal right now since I just found out and my belly still looks the same. But I hope it is nice and cozy in there and that you have found the perfect spot to call home for the next 9 months. We both want you badly and are looking forward to experiencing you as you experience us.

Hang in there poppyseed!