Monday, May 4, 2009

Week 5, Day 0: April 20, 2009

It has been about 5 days since I wrote an entry and not a day has gone by that I haven’t wondered what my new or existing symptoms mean and wonder if this much wanted pregnancy will end as the last. But I have been trying my best to keep my mind off of the negative and enjoy the positive. That I am pregnant now.

My Mom came for a visit on Friday. T and I were planning on telling her while she was here but were hoping we could do it together. I was wondering when we would be able to make the announcement since we wanted to do it without Tay’s knowledge (we don’t want to tell her until things are safer). I didn’t know if I would be able to wait until Tay went home Saturday night because I feared my Mom would guess before then. Little did I know!

As soon as Mom got in the car, us girls headed to the mall so that I could pick up a wedding gift for T’s friend who was getting married that Sunday. On the way there, Mom – who recently gave up drinking – told me that it was perfectly fine it I wanted to have adult beverages around her during her stay. Without thinking through the consequences, I said that I hadn’t really had a drink for a couple of weeks so no big deal. She looked at me – I could see it in my peripheral – with the “Mom” look and said, “is there a reason?” I couldn’t help but look uncomfortable and the guilty, yet excited, smile started to crawl across my face. “I knew it!” She exclaimed. She went on to tell me that she had told John (my SDad) before she left for the trip that she suspected I would be giving her some news upon her arrival. For the rest of the day we spoke in code to discuss the details leading up to my positive test and everything following. Mom’s excitement was interpreted by Tay as just her excitement to finally be in Tucson!

The rest of the weekend was relaxing and was full of catching up and visiting. It really helped those three days go by without the usual voice in the back of the noggin constantly questioning every cramp, pain and twinge. Sunday we met T’s Mom at Crackerbarrel so that the Mom’s could visit. I was leaving it up to T to tell his family so, while we sat at the table, I watched my Mom squirm in her seat with excitement as we all made small talk. Finally, my Mom mouthed to me “have you told her?” which led me to look at T with a look that summarizes that question. So he told her. He started with “remember what you asked me last week?” Turns out, she also had a suspicion back when the egg was probably first making the journey to get settled in its new home that something was going on. Weird.

For the rest of the breakfast, we received quite a few shoulder scrunching excitement looks from across the table. I immediately felt the ol’ quiet voice (or not so quiet) creep back up and make me wish I were closer to the end of my first trimester. I don’t want to be a disappointment – and I don’t want to be disappointed. Anytime I get too excited, I make myself back down a bit so that I don’t jinx the outcome. If only I could be excited and not worry about the next 7 weeks.

Sunday was the day I took Mom back to her shuttle drop off. She was feeling really sick from the brunch at Crackerbarrel and ended up getting really sick on the plane. After I dropped her off, I went to Target to pick up a last minute wedding card and then headed home to get some rest before heading to the wedding. T and I were driving separate because he had to get there three hours before the wedding for pictures. I felt fine at home, painted my nails, ate a little hummus and then changed clothes for the wedding. I arrived a little early, enjoyed the beautiful wedding (especially seeing T in a tux) and then made my way with the rest of the guests to the front of the mansion for a group photo. It was when I was making my way back to the reception area that I started feeling…strange. A little lightheaded, a slight bit of nausea sneaking in. I noticed that my sense of smell – which has always been a keen sense for me – was heightened. I could smell every cologne, every body odor, every flower on every vine that was covering the mansion trellises. I stood in the bar line with T’s boss as he finished doing pics with the wedding party. Of course I got some water while his boss and his boss’ wife got wine. There was a small appetizer display but I didn’t go near it because I still don’t know which cheeses are safe to eat and which aren’t…and cheese is what I would have gone after. So I sat at the table with them along with some other people T works with and struck up conversation. About 30 minutes into conversation, I started feeling my queasiness even more and was wondering why I felt the way I did. Was it from a lack of eating since brunch? Was it just a pregnancy symptom that I didn’t have before? Was it the smells? Was I tired?

Finally, the opened the buffet for dinner at 8 or so. The smell from the buffet line was absolutely breathtaking…and not in a good way. At all. We stood in line for what seemed like hours and I found myself leaning against T to keep from falling. My head was swimming and, if my nostrils could slam shut, they would. When we finally got to the very limited buffet table, I got a roll (bread surely would comfort my stomach), a little scoop of salad, about 2 or 3 small red potatoes, two spoons of mixed veggies and a tiny morsel of red meat. None of it looked good and the smell was about to make me take my plate to the ladies room. But I really felt that I just needed to get some food in my stomach to make it all better.

I picked around on my plate and everything I put in my mouth, no matter how small the bite, seemed to blow up into a huge portion which made it hard for me to choke down. After about 5 or 6 bites, I gave up. It didn’t taste good, it didn’t smell good and my stomach was past the point of forgiveness. Around 9 or 9:30 I couldn’t take anymore dinner, anymore small talk or anymore water from a solo cup. I had to go. I couldn’t even muster enough energy or tuck back the nausea long enough to say goodbye to anyone. I told T the scoop and quietly snuck out of the front of the mansion and briskly made my way to my car.

I got home around 10 and the rest of the night was the worse I have been in a long time. I started with extreme diarrhea and nausea. Every time I would lie back down in bed, I felt like I needed to get up to be sick again. I knew that it might be inevitable that I would have to vomit. I hate to puke so my body has always found a way to fight the urge…and win. But not tonight. By the time T was home and bringing me a sprite on ice, my head was in the toilet and my stomach exploded. Once that episode was done, I was hoping that getting to sleep would keep the monsters away. But that wasn’t the case. I was awoken in the middle of the night with the room spinning and another bout of nausea in full swing. I headed to the bathroom and had another date with the john. That would prove to be the last for the night. I still had a restless sleep but was glad that the vomiting had come to an end.

The next morning I felt weak and tired so I skipped the gym. I am looking forward to getting back to it and hope that this isn’t a “morning sickness” – which can happen any time of the day or night – that I will need to deal with for 7 more weeks. But I keep telling myself I will deal with anything other than the alternative…

Dear Baby,

Most of your Grandparents are in the know about you and are sending all of their positive vibes our way that you will develop beautifully and that Mommy will make it through the first trimester. Daddy and I are really excited to see us all make it over the next seven weeks and beyond. Hang in there, peanut. We want to meet you in December.


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