Monday, May 4, 2009

Week 4, Day 0: April 15, 2009

After my miscarriage, I had very emotional months wondering if THIS month would be my time to get pregnant. I was hesitant of the thought, to be honest. I wanted so bad to be pregnant but wanted so bad not to be terrified of being pregnant. What if I miscarry again. Especially now that I know that THIS is what I really want?

About a week ago, April 6, T and I went shopping for a new couch. I noticed on the drive that my stomach felt…tickly. Almost as if we were cruising among hills which, when I was a kid, I would call a wee road. When we arrived at the furniture store, I felt a strong tickling feeling – like butterflies – in my stomach. I kinda knew then but definitely wasn’t for sure and kept my head in projects so as to keep my mind off of it. Throughout the week I noticed moments of light headedness, weird cramping in my stomach (lighter than AF cramps). I wasn’t for sure and still didn’t want to think about the possibility. I didn’t want to be disappointed. I kept telling myself that, if this wasn’t my month, that would be ok. I have plenty of projects to keep me busy.

This past Monday, I had severe mood swings and emotional breakdowns. Now, as a female, I do have the tendency of having mood swings during PMS. I won’t lie. But these were off the charts. And they were followed by crying. And still cramping.

Yesterday, Tuesday, was the D-Day for AF. Since getting off the pill, I have been very regular with a true 28 day cycle. No AF. Not even a sign of her. Not even a phone call. Interesting, I thought, but no hopes up.

After talking to Lauren, I decided that it may be ok to test on Wednesday even though my nerves were pushing me to wait until Friday. At 4 AM, I woke up needing to pee so bad I thought my bladder would explode all over the bed. I decided, what the heck. I don’t have my hopes up and I am fine if it is negative so I should go ahead and check it out.

I pulled out the ClearBlue digital and did the best I could, at 4 AM, to coordinate a stick below me to catch the flow. This is not easy – especially as blurry eyed as I was at the time. I sleepily counted to 5, put the lid back on, wiped off…well, you get the idea, and sat it on the small table next to the toilet. I went back to finishing what I started – gratefully so – and closed my eyes. When I opened them, I slowly turned to the small table and the wand sitting so mysteriously on top. The angle of the ceiling light to the test made it a little hard to read but I could tell there was only one word…not two.

I started crying - part from excitement and part from fear. Unfortunately, the first thing that I thought was that I was going to have to go through another miscarriage. How could this be? But then I would start to get excited, maybe I won’t have a miscarriage again! This could be it! Then the fear, then the excitement. This continued as I turned off the light, opened the door and started to make my way back to bed. Just then I heard a voice in the dark – “are you ok?” Yes, I’m pregnant. And here come the tears again. I told him I was scared and then the crying really started. He invited me to lay next to him and gave me a secure hug. He proceeded to tell me that he has a very good feeling about this and that this time is going to be it. I want to believe him so bad.

All day was a bag of mixed emotions. I continued to try my strategy I adopted before getting pregnant – keep my mind involved in tasks and projects. I worked hard today on chores and grocery and tried to keep my fears to a minimum. As a matter of fact, I have tried to keep all thoughts of being pregnant to a minimum only thinking of them when I am about to have something to eat or drink.

The doctor estimates I am 4 weeks pregnant. My estimated due date is December 21, 2009. A Christmas baby. OMG I just said baby. I cannot even imagine ME with a baby! That blows my mind. At least I have some time – I hope – to get my head around it!

My first appointment will be at the 6 week mark which I am so thankful for. Most women don’t get an appointment until 8 or 9 weeks but Dr H knows how scared I am of miscarrying so she is going to get me in earlier. I guess a heartbeat can be detected that early. Amazing.

The 6 week mark is my first hurdle to overcome – this is when I had my miscarriage. The next hurdle will be the 12 week mark (the end of the first trimester which holds most of the challenges). I am only telling parents and a few very close friends. Otherwise, the news is off limits until I am out of the first tri. I can’t go through facing family and friends again if another miscarriage happens. So this is why the blog away from the blog. I am going to keep a daily diary of the progression (I hope) of my pregnancy and will post it on my blog week 13.

Dear Baby,

This is your first order from your mother! Stick in there! Be healthy! Grow strong! Come out happy and healthy! This is an order! Or you are grounded for life!

I am so happy to have you inside of me. It is very surreal right now since I just found out and my belly still looks the same. But I hope it is nice and cozy in there and that you have found the perfect spot to call home for the next 9 months. We both want you badly and are looking forward to experiencing you as you experience us.

Hang in there poppyseed!


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