Week 5, Day 5: April 25, 2009

Wow, time seems to be standing still! It feels like forever ago since I posted something new but it was only four days. First trimester is going to creep by – like a kid waiting for Christmas to get here. But two more days until my first appointment. I am nervous, anxious and excited about it. Afraid of what she will see, afraid of having my blood drawn, excited to see some mysterious mass that she will say is the healthy start to a baby, excited to get past the blood draw…

I have been in rare form the past couple of days. Well, not too rare. I do tend to have mood swings from time to time even without the excuse of pregnancy. But the past two days have been very hormonal. I have been a mixture of irritated, bummed out/depressed and “ancy”. I feel “bored” and irritated because I can’t even have a beer or rum. But, when I really think about those things, they kinda don’t even sound good. I don’t know. I think it is just a weird time because you are pregnant but you don’t look or feel pregnant yet you have to act pregnant. So it is just a weird transitional place.

The hard part is that I don’t want to feel these shameful emotions because I feel like I am jinxing my pregnancy. I definitely know I want this and that, deep down inside, I am more than happy to give up certain vices to have a healthy baby. So that makes me even more irritated that I am irritated!!! Plus, I am getting short and snippy with Tay and it certainly isn’t her fault. Which makes me feel like a bad mom in the making.

I am told that this is all because of the crazy hormones and that things will level out in the second trimester…if THAT ever gets here! Time is moving so incredibly slow!!! Isn’t that how I started this whole entry?? I should be happy how slow time seems to be crawling now that I am on the dark side of my 30s. But I honestly just want to take a huge leap forward and be in the more secure world of the second tri. But, then again, I want to enjoy each day of being pregnant…now if I can just stop being a biatch and enjoy it!!

No real new symptoms..at all. No morning sickness, my eating habits are about the same, girls still tender, still working out like I always have, mild cramping has pretty much ceased other than very minor ones from time to time. Not much else to talk about as of yet. Just looking forward to some good news Tuesday and trying not to eat the heads off of my family before then.

Dear Baby,

It still doesn’t feel real to me but I know you are in there. I know because my hormones are telling me so. I haven’t been a very nice person the past couple of days but it isn’t because I don’t want you. Honestly, I don’t know what it is but I DO know it isn’t that! I am so looking forward to seeing the little glob of mass that is you in the making Tuesday! I am hoping above all hope that Dr Hutch will tell me you look great and are developing well! I want that news…I need that news. I am so glad she is going to let me see you at six weeks instead of the usual 8 to 9 weeks. I feel so lucky to have her as a doctor…and to have your Daddy who asks about you often! And, more than anything, I feel so lucky to have you and will do anything in my power to keep you healthy. I even cut out all caffeine which has been hard but worth the piece of mind.

Hang on tight, baby! We are in this together and together we can make this happen!

Love,
Mommy