I need some wooden stakes!

The vampires were out in full force today...

I had my GD (gestational diabetes) test today.  I wasn't the least bit excited about it and, as usual, it put me in a foul/introverted mood for most of the morning until we headed out.  T, as he always is, was patient and understanding.  We had a very interesting conversation on the way to the vampire clinic regarding the overpopulation of the human race and how the Earth really needs to rebalance itself which would mean finding a way to eliminate humans - time for extinction.  This is a long, rambling conversation and one of the interesting ones that T and I sometimes find ourselves involved in.  It helped keep my mind off of things to come.

I am surprised we were able to open the door to the clinic when we got there.  It seems as if the vampires not only come out at night but are also quite popular on Friday mornings.  I suggested to T that maybe we come back next week when it may not be as crowded (and there would be less people to hear my torturous cries) but his look and something in me wanting this whole process over with, grabbed the pen and signed in.

About 25 or so minutes later, they called me to the window.  I had to go to the second window behind THE door that leads to THE vampire cave.  The lady behind the counter asked me if I had already had the glucose drink.  I said no.  She said, you should have let us know you were here for that so that you wouldn't have had to wait for the drink.  I said, oh.  I didn't know that.  And how would I have known that?  But, regardless, the next question was my choice in flavor - orange or fruit punch.  I said whatever.  I don't care.  But then I remembered that I am not a big orange fan so fruit punch may be better.  And it wasn't bad at all.  It was cold, very sweet - so sweet you almost thought it was carbonated because it kinda burned and bubbled going down.  But it wasn't too bad at all.  Like Hawaiian Punch.  I had to drink it within 5 minutes and had to do it in front of counter lady. 

While I was drinking the koolaid (see?  Even the vampires try to make you drink the koolaid), I asked her...why can't you just take the blood out of my finger versus my arm?  She said, oh, we need a lot more than that!  Of course, keep in mind, I had already discussed with her my baby ways and my phobia fear of having blood taken.  She continues, it's like milking a cow, sweetie (I think that will live on in my mind for many years to come), we need two big viles of it (note that she just HAD to use the adjective "BIG" to make sure my knees gave out from underneath me.  I said, sorry I asked.

After my refreshing beverage, I was told I was not to leave the facility for an hour.  No water and no food.  Just sit there and think about your destiny with the vampires (ok, she didn't say that but my mind filled in those blanks).  So T and I did just that.  We sat in that nasty lab with others that were going to meet the same fate as I was.  Including two pregnant women who were there for the same test as I was.  We all made eye contact, passively looked at each other's stomachs, secretly compared our belly and body shape to the others, and periodically stroked our contorted abs as our fetuses responded to the bottle of sugar we just drank.  Ahh, the bonding moment in the ol' blood lab.  Can I hear some ooohs and ahhhs?

I had gotten there before the other two so I was the first to be called back - right on an hour, I must say.  They had it timed to the second!  The lady that called us back was one that I told T I wanted to smack.  It is one thing to be a vampire.  It is another to be a friendly vampire all showing your sparkly whites and asking how I am doing.  EVIL!  Put your poop eating grin away.  You enjoy your job WAY too much!!  But, she was nice and I guess it could be worse.  If you are going to get bitten, better to be bitten by one that is quick and smiling than one who happens to NOT like being  a vampire and just stabs the holy hell out of you.

T came back with me.  This is good.  As I was walking into the blood room with the Winnie the Pooh poster and the hand drawn Spiderman sketch on the walls, I felt my head start to swim.  That was immediately followed with sweating and not able to catch a full breath.  I started feeling like I was sitting on a spinning top watching Winnie go around and around like a sickening ride.  I was shown to my seat - the dreaded chair with the arm padding (which would be more useful for my forehead when I inevitably passed out).  And, because these vampires like to have fun with your emotions, she asked me - which arm would you like for me to use.  HA!  Hmmm, HIS arm maybe????  Really lady?  Which arm??  How about I pick a finger for you?  I have a perfect one!  But, all that came out of my mouth was a nervous laugh and a 'I don't care.' 

T explained to her that my veins are not cooperative.  That it is sometimes hard to find what you need.  Luckily he talked primarily in code so that I could still remain upright.  So she decided to check out which arm she wanted.  And so the process begins.  And, just know that it is the ENTIRE process that causes me anxiety.  Not just the needle.  She wrapped the ol' rubber band of death on my right arm and proceeded to tap...tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap....OMG STOP WITH THE TAPPING!!!!  Do you see what you need or not?!?  Move on!!  "Well, I see a small one that I could use but I want to look at the other arm."  You have GOT to be kidding me!!

So off came the rubber band and on the left arm it went.  Tie tightly so that every cell in my body will spin even faster...STOP WINNIE, STOP!  Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap - she is VERY lucky that my state of panic leaves me paralyzed.  She may have had to make a dental appointment after me to fix the teeth I wanted to knock out!  STOP TAPPING!!! 

She unstrapped me and decided that the right arm was the big winner.  GREAT.  Once the rubber band was off, I had to shake my arms irradically and rub them up and down to find some essence of feeling again.  I noticed that I was sweating under my shirt and felt VERY hot but T said it was very cold in the room.  There was some music playing...was that to be a distraction or an annoyance?  I couldn't focus on it enough to tell.  I started feeling the heat roll up into my face and started feeling very nauseous.  I chalk this up to mostly anxiety mixed with not eating all morning and only have one glass of water and a bottle of sugar water.  Things weren't feeling right, Cashew was moving all over making me feel even more like puking, and I think my face showed all of these thoughts.  Ms Vampire decided that maybe I should lay down. 

She put new paper on the hard cot/bed in the Winnie room and had me lie down.  T stood over my head and I stared into his eyes.  Maybe he is just sooo tall and the fact that I was lying down, but he seemed so far away.  I felt like I needed his face to be right up against mine so that I could see him better.  But, once the process REstarted with the rubber band, all I wanted was his hand on my eyes.  Which is how it stayed for the remainder of the time.

Then she started talking.  I should make a list of rules for the vampires when I so unfortunately visit their caves:
1. Use the right arm - no need to tap like a maniac.  Just use the right arm and make it quick.
2. I need to lie down or I will pass out, puke or otherwise damage one of us in this process.
3. I hate the rubber band.  Please have all of your blood sucking supplies ready BEFORE you wrap my arm.
4. I know you are trying to take my mind off of things but DO NOT talk to me.  I don't want to converse with you.  This is not a good time for me.  If you would like to become my Facebook friend or would like to meet for happy hour sometime, fine.  But, while I am strapped down in your cave, we are NOT friends and I DON'T want to talk.

She was asking us about the pregnancy.  Is this my first baby?  Do we know the sex?  Did we want to be surprised?  Something about her kids or something.  She was talking about all the rest when the needle was being inserted and the stars flooded my eyes.  My entire mind and body concentrated on breathing in and out.  In and out.  In and out.  Deep, loud breaths.  In and out.  I think I kept hearing her talk and I think T was entertaining her by acting as if he cared.  But I kept interrupting with "is it almost over?"  Yes, I was told by both of them.  Then, what felt like hours after I originally asked (and there was still chatter), IS IT ALMOST OVER??  Yes, I was told again.  Liars!!  No, actually, it was almost over that time and, finally, the rubber band was released from my arm (the first relief).  Then I felt the cotton ball on my arm (second relief), then it was over and I could sit up (whoa, WINNIE IS STILL SPINNING).  My legs were very shaky and I was feeling very nauseous so we sat there for a couple of minutes.  To thank me for their daily dose of blood, I was offered a small piss cup of water as a parting gift.  Which I accepted thankfully since I felt like I had gum stuck to my lips!

I finally got up, headed straight for the potty, peed and put a cold paper towel on the back of my neck.  I bolted out the bathroom door, the cave door and then the main entrance.  As soon as we were out, T took off the restrictive bandage from my arm.  I wanted no sign of what just happened.  I saw the small hole and it still hurt from the stick which made me feel a little queasy all over again.  We jumped in the car and turned on the air.  T kept telling me to breathe slower so I wouldn't pass out.  It is amazing what fear will do to you.  I didn't realize I was breathing fast or heavy.  I just knew that I felt like I was going to pass out or throw up.

But, it was over.  We won't get the results of the test until the first of next week.  If I fail, I am SUPPOSED to go back for the "3 hour" version of the test.  That's when you - get poked, drink juice and then get poked again on the hour for 3 hours.  Folks, this just may not happen.  I cannot imagine going through that!!  Please keep your fingers, legs, toes, eyes, boogers, whatever, crossed that I will pass this damn test.  Please.  I know some of you believe in god and stuff so, if prayer is your thing, that would be fine.  I am going to be on my best behavior to keep my karma in check this weekend and will be looking for lucky pennies (face up) while going on with life the next couple of days.  PLEASE.  I MUST pass this test.  This is more important to me than any other test I have taken...driving test, SATs, etc.

After a yummy lunch at On the Border, we are now home.  T will be leaving soon to pick up Tay from school and I will be leaving around 4 or 4:30 to go to the salon to get my hair done and my brows waxed (ahh, more pain to add to the mix).  I am looking forward to getting my hair done.  Hoping that will take my mind off of the hole in my arm and the pending results.  I am sure my mind won't be there when I am paying the SALON sized bill at the end!  But it will be worth the head massage! 

Be gone, you wicked vampires.  You have enough of my blood!!  Go find some other blood filled human beasts, suckers!!  The next time I cut myself with a knife or my stepdaughter turns on the disposal while my hand is in it, I will save you some blood in a mason jar.  Store it and leave me be.

Domestic Dreams

Yesterday was a fun day with my MIL.  We went to lunch and then headed out to look for material to make a valance for Cashew's room.  Yes, you heard me right.  "Make" a valance for Cashew's room.  No, I still don't know how to sew even though my SMom gave me a nice sewing machine as a gift many moons ago.  I have always wanted to learn but never really set out to learn it.  Well, this is the project that will launch me into the world of stereotypical housewife/stay at home mom...yep, I am going to learn how to sew! 

Walking into Hancock Fabrics is as foreign to me as Babies R Us was before I was pregnant (well, it is still pretty daunting).  I have no idea what I am looking at...I had no idea there were books with patterns in them (but I did have periodic flashbacks of when my Mom used to sew my clothes for me - remember Mom?).  I couldn't believe all of the things you can sew!  I don't know why I was so amazed but I became very excited to learn how to do this new craft so that I could make the cute onesie for Cashew or the super cute bag for me!  Maybe I will even learn how to sew on buttons so that we don't have to toss shirts when a button falls off!  Wow!  Look out June Cleaver!

We picked out a pattern - the first one we picked wasn't the final decision.  It had to be put on a board and started sounding too difficult for the trial run.  But I am glad that it didn't work out because it led to the pattern that we did pick.  I originally thought I would just go with a valance.  No curtains or shades.  But, after seeing this pattern, I really like the idea of having a shade that will roll down in front of the blinds.  I feel like it will really soften the room and also help darken the room during nap time.  If there is such a thing!

The pattern is the top right:


Of course, if I am going to really get into this sewing frenzy, I am going to need to polish up on my math skills!  Luckily Steph knew what she was doing so she could walk the walk and talk the talk with the Hancock lady (who was very nice and helpful).  What are the dimensions of the window?  How many inches is that?  Which equals how many yards?  But then there will be a seam...what about "finishing?"  I stood there just petting the fabric (it is so pretty), nodding and listening without having a clue!  But I did follow along pretty well and even made a couple of good suggestions (I was very proud of myself).

Here is the material that we picked out.  As you all know from personal experience I'm sure, the colors don't come across like they really are in the picture.  But everything is in the brown family and the little "nubby" things on the shade material has just a tint of green which will tie in nicely with the walls and bedding.  We haven't bought the ribbon or the rod yet.  Because the window in that room is a non-standard 6' wide window, there will be three ribbons versus two.  Not sure what color we will go with yet.  I think we want to see it in some sort of completion before deciding.  I am thinking a dark brown.  We will be lining the shade fabric (the one with the nubbies) with the darker brown that will be used for the valance so, when the shade is rolled up, the rolled up part will match the valance.

Here is the fabric:
To the right is the fabric for the valance - a chocolate brown with ever so slight texture.
To the left is the shade fabric - a lighter fabric in color and weight but will be lined with the fabric on the right.


A close up of the shade fabric - it's not THAT gold...that was thanks to the flash


While we were out, I stopped by Big Lots to look for a bin to put extra yarn in to help keep our closet organized.  While there, I spotted this cute metal art on sale for $6.  I think we will put it over the doorway inside Cashew's room:



Steph is coming back over next Wednesday (the day before I head home to see my family!!  YAY) so that we can start the process of cutting and whatnot.  I doubt we will start sewing that day...or maybe we will...I'm not sure what all goes into it, to be honest.  But I am very excited to learn this new craft!!  And to use my machine that has been sitting so patiently in the closet waiting to be loved.

Here I am, opening the door to the world of domestic bliss (or something like that)...I am sure I will stub my toe on the door frame!

GD Test Postponed Until Friday

Well, you can't say I didn't brave it and try to go to the vampire lab to get my testing done today.  I even "fasted" last night to prepare myself for a morning of torture.  However, when T returned from his trip, he seemed pretty stressed about me taking the test today.  He had a ton of conference calls and work to do which he would have to completely rearrange in order to make this morning work.  It didn't take long for my sleepy brain cells to come up with a solution...let's wait!

According to the nurse at my doc's office, I just have to complete the testing a week before my next appointment which is October 8.  Therefore, we can totally do it Friday of this week or Tue/Wed of next week.  We are shooting for Friday.  I really do want to get it over with but I am also ok with waiting if that means T will be with me free of work stress.  Or with minimal work stress.  So it looks like Friday is the magic day.  BACK TO YOUR CAVES, VAMPIRES!!!

27 weeks - 13 weeks until due date!

The countdown continues from when I go from pod to mom.  Pretty crazy to think about being someone's mom.  I never thought that would be something I would want or like.  But, more times than not, I am looking forward to it.  Actually, that may be a bit ambitious.  I don't know if I am looking forward to it necessarily since I don't know what being a "mom" means.  I don't feel like one now and never thought I would be one so the thought is a bit abstract to me.  But I have a great role model to follow (my mom) and I have some practice with Tay.  So we shall see.

I am looking forward to adult time again.  Or, should I say, adult beverages!  Summer was tough because a cold, frosty beer on the patio watching the sunset ran through my mind almost nightly.  With fall and winter approaching, a nice rum and diet coke beckons the ol' taste buds.  Not much longer now.

I am so disappointed in myself tonight.  I made this beautiful, big pot of vegetable soup for dinner but snacked on Sun Chips and a string cheese while I was fixing it.  Now I am too full to eat the veggie soup which would have been so much healthier for me.  What is wrong with me??  I have really gone off the deep end with my cravings for sugary candy and salty chips.  BOO on bad food!  I did buy a bunch of fruits and veggies at Sprouts (which is like a Whole Foods or Sunflower Market) and have had quite a bit of fruit for snacks.  And I didn't really eat too bad earlier in the day.  But I really need to get on track with my eating.  I don't eat a lot because I get full too quick but the quality of food has to change.  Especially since I have a hard time remembering to take my prenatal vitamins.  Geez, not such a great mom right now, huh??

To top it off, my exercise routine has dwindled to a snail's pace.  I couldn't tell you the last time I was at the gym.  Now that the mornings and evening are cooling off, it may be time to figure in a walk - maybe two - a day.  Once in the morning and once in the evening.  I have hand weights here at home so maybe I can factor that into my schedule as well.  I want to keep my arms toned.  But I am staying active - mostly walking up and down our steps about 100 times a day to clean.  I find that I move a bit slower and get winded a bit easier.  So strange to see what your body goes through!  I used to run/sprint three miles and barely break a sweat and still carry on a conversation.  Now I walk up the stairs and have to catch my breath before talking to T.

I definitely feel front heavy and, when the load shifts, I can tell!  My stomach feels like it cannot expand another inch.  I am just waiting for it to rip straight across.  It gets so tight - especially after I eat - that it hurts.  And I still have 13 weeks to go.  Right now Cashew is only about 2 lbs.  It may get up to 6 or 7 pounds before this is all over with!  Where will it go?  I think I am running out of room already!

Cashew has been VERY active.  Usually in the mornings, after my midday snack and a lot at night!  I can see my stomach contort into different shapes and you can watch it move like the ocean when Cashew is in full swing.  It is truly odd and something that, like the bad mom I am, kinda freaks me out.  It's a little gross to watch and feel.  But I know it is a good thing and that's just what happens.  So I just try not to watch and keep my mind focused on something else.

The other night, T and I went to dinner.  While we were there, I got a BIG kick in the...well...butt!  I don't know what happened but Cashew kicked something that made me feel like I had to go to the bathroom.  And it wasn't the pee spot (as I call it) that he/she kicked.  It was like it was kicking my butt from the inside.  So weird!  Haha!  I jumped and got a funny look on my face, I guess, because T asked me what happened and if I was ok. 

Tomorrow is my glucose screening.  We are going to try and go first thing in the morning to get it over with.  Different people say different things about what you should and shouldn't do to prepare for the test.  Some say you should fast the night before, some say no carbs/sugar the day before, some say to eat a healthy protein packed breakfast the day of...I don't know who to believe.  Basically, there is nothing you can do to pass the test other than hope your body is functioning correctly as a pod.  I am keeping my fingers crossed, checking my karma and hoping beyond hope that I will pass this test!!  It is bad enough that I have to drink some nasty sugary gunk and then wait an hour before the vampires come out of their caves to take my blood.  But, if I fail this test, I will have to do the same thing but have my blood taken on the hour for three hours.  I think I will run away to Mexico or something before I do that!!  If I believed in hell, that would be it!  So keep positive thoughts coming my way...

I am super excited that I will be back home in Louisville in NINE DAYS!!  I am looking forward to seeing my family, experiencing fall (after three years of no fall), maybe seeing some leaves turn, visiting with old friends and just being home.  Louisville is therapeutic for me.  When I step off the plane into the airport, it is like walking into a big hug.  It is home for me and always will be.  I think I may have always taken it for granted until I moved way out here.  Home is home.  And Louisville is HOME.  I just wish that T could come with me as well.  We decided it would just be me for this trip to save some dough.  Flights aren't cheap right now and we want to save our miles for some adult time trips post baby.  So it will be just me on this trip.

When I return from Louisville, time is going to tick a little faster.  We are going to do the pumpkin patch on October 11, we are planning some fun Halloween activities with friends over the next several weekends.  We are having T's family over for dinner on the 24th and wearing our costumes, then there is Halloween.  Our child birth classes start in October and roll into November followed by a few other classes we registered for.  November will be getting Christmas shopping and crafting done, a Tucson shower and then Thanksgiving.  Next thing you know we will be in the beginning of Dec and getting the house decorated.  With all of that, I think the time may fly a bit.  Which is fine by me.

27 week pic:


Cashew as a veggie:


Per babycenter.com:
This week, your baby weighs almost 2 pounds (like a head of cauliflower) and is about 14 1/2 inches long with her legs extended. She's sleeping and waking at regular intervals, opening and closing her eyes, and perhaps even sucking her fingers. With more brain tissue developing, your baby's brain is very active now. While her lungs are still immature, they would be capable of functioning — with a lot of medical help — if she were to be born now. Chalk up any tiny rhythmic movements you may be feeling to a case of baby hiccups, which may be common from now on. Each episode usually lasts only a few moments, and they don't bother her, so just relax and enjoy the tickle.

That's the latest from pod-ville.  I will give an update on the GD screening after my torture tomorrow.  BLEH!

Dear Cashew,

I haven't written in a while but I think that's ok.  Supposedly, you can hear what's going on out here and can here me talking as well as Daddy.  So you pretty much know what's going on - you probably know more about the stock market as a fetus than most adults do, thanks to Daddy!  Haha!

I feel you tossing, turning, kicking, punching and shifting in there.  I said earlier that it is kinda gross in some ways because, if you think to much about it, well, it is just so crazy.  But I am sure it is much grosser for you in there!  Ick!  I am so glad that none of us remember those days!  But you seem to be liking your surroundings - or maybe you don't and that's why you are kicking.  Trying to get the heck out of there!  I know I would be totally clausterphobic in that tiny space with my legs and arms all curled up!  It's like flying coach on a small aircraft! 

Speaking of flying, you and I are heading to Louisville soon!  Nine more days!  If you could help a mama out, please try not to kick me in the bladder a lot while we are in the air.  The bathrooms are small and there are only so many times during the flight you can go.  So maybe kick higher or take a nap. 

The Grandparents are throwing us showers while we are there.  You probably don't care too much and, really, I don't care about the gifts too much.  But it will be so fun to see everyone.  I know they will be talking a lot about you - what you are (boy or girl), etc.  I don't think anyone expected me to have a baby so the shock factor is driving the attendance, I think!

Shortly after we get home from Louisville, Daddy and I will be starting our childbirth classes.  I am kinda glad that we are doing them because I want to be somewhat prepared in case I have a lot of pain during the hour drive to the hospital!!  Another favor, Cashew, please give me subtle warnings that don't hurt too bad until we get to the hospital.  Let Mommy get poked in the back and then you can have your way with my uterus (like you already seem to do).  Thanks in advance buddy!

I was very proud of you last Sunday during the Steelers game.  Although we didn't win, you were kicking and rolling like a regular ol' football fan!  Especially when Mommy would get excited (sorry for the one bad word that shot out at one point).  I think you liked our new jersey.  And, don't worry.  You will be able to show your colors immediately after birth!  I have three Steelers onesies so you can puke on two if there are bad calls and we still have another!

I feel you moving now.  Hello in there.  Sorry for the low quality dinner we had tonight.  I promise to do better for the rest of the week and the rest of the pregnancy.  I need you and the sweet tooth gene you HAD to have gotten from your Dad, to ease up on me a bit!  I will fight the urge to have sugary sweets and conquer the craving with a nice piece of fruit!  Starting tomorrow because I am not eating for the rest of the night tonight.

Tomorrow is a big test.  Neither of us can really prepare for it or do anything to help me pass.  But keep Mommy positive from the inside while Daddy does his best on the outside.  Whatever help you can muster would be GREAT!  You know how Mommy is with needles and blood draws.  And don't get mad at me when I drink the nasty gunk.  Not my idea!  But we will get through - I could just use your help if you have any to give!

Well, sleep tight Cashew - well, I know it will be a while before you sleep tonight.  You are usually still wide awake while I am trying to get to sleep.  Daddy will be home from his quick trip tonight so we will all be able to sleep together.  Then, let's get tomorrow over with and start looking even more forward to our trip home!

Love you already,
Mommy & Daddy

Sunny skies!

OH it feels so good to be out of my funk!!  I don't think I realize how much it takes it out of me until I am on the other side looking back.  Whew.  What a relief!

In the spirit of my funk-less fabulous-ness, I ordered something for Cashew and I.  I receive daily emails from http://www.babysteals.com/.  They have all sorts of baby items - one a day - for more than half off the regular price.  A lot of the items I don't really need or feel I can get less expensive elsewhere (some are name brands and more expensive than they are worth, in my opinion) but I liked the concept of today's "steal".  So I ordered it.

I do have a diaper bag on my Target registry which I will use most of the time.  However, I thought this was handy in case we are taking Tay to the park or we are going on a picnic and I don't want to have to take the whole bag. 







Cashew knows I am feeling better and has been rolling and kicking up a storm to celebrate!  It was very cool of him/her to give me a break during my lull.  Last night, T and I made a spontaneous trip to Walmart for a few odds and ends.  On the way home, some great jazz came on our iPod and Cashew LOVED it!  He/she was in there dancing and having a good ol' time.  We are so proud that they already dig our style of music!

It has been decided that Wednesday will be when I go in for my Glucose test.  I am not looking forward to it but I am meeting my MIL for lunch and sewing that afternoon so that will give me something to look forward to.  And, for sure T will be there!!  I will need to lean against him while I am in the electric chair getting my blood taken.  BLEH!!!

Don't forget to vote to the right!!  We are having fun seeing the results!!

26 weeks, 2 days: Sunny skies ahead...

...until the next rain shower.

It has been a tough week and a half for my emotional and mental state but I think I have finally reached the other side and am finally seeing the light.  I would blame my dark week on hormones and, although I do believe some of it was because of that, the other part of it is the blame of my "charming" personality.

I do believe that it all started with the car trade.  Losing my car was like losing a part of me, a part of who I am.  It was the last thing that was all mine and, other than my pets, the last thing connecting me to home.  It also symbolized a big change in my lifestyle.  No more will a sports car be accommodating.  Now, because of baby, we must have more room to sit, store and ride.  It all makes perfect sense but, perfect sense doesn't always go hand in hand with perfect emotions.

From there I started feeling  a little resentful about the whole family thing.  Yes, I know.  I chose to be pregnant and chose to have a kid.  But making choices doesn't always mean that you will feel good about them every second of the day.  I made the choice to move across the country from my entire family.  It was my choice and the right choice...but it is STILL hard after all these years.  I still wish I could move home (with T of course).  I still get homesick and cry.  I still miss my parents daily.  My choice, a lifestyle choice, a hard choice, and a choice that still has it's dark times.

After seeing Londyn screaming because she was hungry (and she is a good baby, mind you - you hardly ever hear her cry unless she needs something) freaked me out and made me wonder if all this was the right choice.  Watching Lauren have to leave the table at Buffalo Wild Wings for an hour to feed or taking an hour out of visiting after dinner to feed, all that doesn't seem like something I could do.  But she makes due and I don't think she cares all that much about it.  So that's good!  But I know I am a different personality and it may be harder for me.  Of course, I could always pump...but, in the darkness of the hour and with all of the other changes going on around me (and in me), I freaked out and thought...OMG, what have I done?  This looks harder and less fun than I had originally thought.  But I am sure you learn to work with it.

I know I am a different bird...heck, a different species...than other's around me and I never expect anyone to understand me.  Well, other than T, Mom, Dad and Amy.  They truly seem to understand me, for which I am so thankful.  So I have to do things my way.  I have to go through my emotions my way.  Luckily, I have T to lean on daily and I couldn't ask for better support.  He is my anchor, my foundation.  He gets me through the cloudy days and helps me see the sunny ones ahead.  He knows that change is hard for me and he knows how important it is to me to have parts of my life back after baby is born.  I am very lucky to have him in my life.  His love is my strength.

But, as time moves on and my dream car sits on an auction block somewhere hoping for a good home, I am finding a common ground with the family truckster.  It certainly is not my dream car and will probably never be what my red car was to me.  But it gets us around, has some interesting (and some unnecessary) bells and whistles, should be pretty reliable and is becoming less smoky smelling every day.  So there are some positives.  I did drive it to meet Amy for dinner last night and, as cool as the night air was last night when we left, I opened the sunroof and tried to pretend "the top was down."  Of course I feel like I am driving a semi, as big as it is, but it helped me to pretend.

Each morning I wake up feeling a little bit better inside.  I am trying to re-establish my bond with Cashew since I have been mentally separated from the idea for over a week.  But I am not trying too hard.  I know it will come.  And, like all the gushy new Mom's tell me (and some of the older Mom's too - right Mom?), the moment I see Cashew will be "it."  So that's what I am hanging my hat on.  I have to be realistic, because I know myself so well, there could possibly be more rain clouds in the forecast over the next couple of months.  But I am hoping for mostly sunny skies!!

Today I woke up after a half way decent night of sleep (only had to get up to pee once) and felt amazing.  Like I was refreshed...like someone poured the keg of Gatorade over my head!  I feel good about what I need to accomplish today and what I need to accomplish in my future.  I have decided that I AM going to do the Halloween party this year and that I WILL have kids here.  And it WILL be fun!  I mean, it IS one of my parties, right??  Haha!!  It will all be fine and I will be able to be an adult again and have adult fun.  I will make that happen.  As a matter of fact, I am planning on starting a 2010 Bunko group!  I am going to send out an email to see who would be interested and get a Bunko team together.  That will be an instant "girls night" once a month (but there will be more 'girls nights' and 'date nights' than that, mind you).  I am really excited to start planning this!  I think it is soooo important to keep a part of who you are and make yourself happy.  I would not be a very good mom otherwise.  I need to still have my time, my friends, and my date nights mixed in with whatever baby needs.  It will make for a better mom and person overall.  I will not lose who I am.

T agrees with all of that and takes it one step further saying that he and I will take a big trip (we are thinking Hawaii) after the baby is born.  Not sure when, may be later in 2010 or early 2011, but he is adamant that we take a trip together to reconnect.  I am all for it!  I know I will probably be like most new moms and connected at the hip (or boob) for a while after baby is born but I will make myself take the trip no matter what.  I do believe that our connection is VERY important for a healthy, happy family.  And, who wouldn't want to sip adult bevs out of a coconut on the beach after such a life changing, life altering thing??

Anyway, the bottom line is this...I am very happy with my decision to have Cashew.  It will not always be roses along the way but I will do the best I can to keep looking ahead.  I want Cashew to be healthy and happy and have the best parents on the planet.  That means, there will be times that the parents will need to leave Cashew with Grandma so that they can go out and connect.  But that won't mean we love Cashew any less.  We will do fun things with Cash and Tay and life will be good.  Hell, life will be great!  And it already is.  But forgive me if I have my moments of dark clouds and doubt.  It is a part of life for normal people...for honest people.  Everyone, no matter what they say, has these moments.  It is just that everyone deals with them differently and there is no right or wrong to how it is dealt with...

So I am back and ready for the future.  BRING IT ON, CASH!  I can handle this and I WILL handle this.  I am just slowly adapting to the idea of family and babies after 36 years of not wanting that!  Haha!  I think I am doing pretty damn good!

26 weeks: The clouds clear...

I am feeling better about things today.  It was a tough week and a half - I think it was a mixture of emotionally draining changes, the realization of the future and a large dose of hormones that contributed to my meltdown.  And, wow!  What a meltdown.  I cried pretty extensively for a few days in a row.  I was napping for hours during the day and feeling very lost and dazed.  It kinda scared me which is why I made a true effort to wake up today with a new and improved attitude.  The attitude that I had before the whole car trade went down. 

I don't know if, because Cashew has an insider's look, it decided to calm down the motions over the last few days but that was the case.  I think it knew that I wasn't in the right frame of mind to feel the alien strange feet and things moving around inside me.  Today, with my new attitude came more movement.  Right now it is quiet but I am sure the evening will bring a steady flow.

I bought a few more maternity items at Twice as Nice - actually, I took in some clothes that I would never wear again and the trade covered my purchase.  I got two sweaters and one fleece for the cold weather.  I felt that I really needed the sweaters for my KY visit as well as the somewhat cool evenings that November and December can bring to Tucson.  I think that will complete the maternity wardrobe at this time.  Thanks to Jill, I have a ton of jeans and other items that will help me transition from the summer to the "fall" of Tucson.  If I need anything else last minute, I will head back to Twice as Nice to take a gander. 

Not knowing the sex of Cashew has been quite an adventure!  So many people with so many guesses and old wives tales.  I think it is about even as far as votes for boy or girl.  I have been told I am carrying high so I must be having a girl and some say I am carrying high so I must be having a boy.  A puppy would be a cool option too but no one has entertained that idea.  Other than an old friend of mine who thinks I am carrying triplets - boy, girl and puppy.  I guess we shall see.

It is pretty crazy to think that I will be going home in 16 days!  I am so excited to see my family.  I especially need it right now.  It couldn't come soon enough.  When I get back, we will be doing the pumpkin patch shortly after followed by week one of our childbirth classes.  October 15 is the first day for that.  Then we roll into our Halloween party which will be a little different this year in that it will include kids.  We will see how that turns out.  October may turn out to be pretty busy.  I need to keep my eye on getting Christmas gifts done.

Ok, on to the updates:

Babycenter.com
The network of nerves in your baby's ears is better developed and more sensitive than before. He may now be able to hear both your voice and your partner's as you chat with each other. He's inhaling and exhaling small amounts of amniotic fluid, which is essential for the development of his lungs. These so-called breathing movements are also good practice for when he's born and takes that first gulp of air. And he's continuing to put on baby fat. He now weighs about a pound and two-thirds and measures 14 inches (an English hothouse cucumber) from head to heel. If you're having a boy, his testicles are beginning to descend into his scrotum — a trip that will take about two to three days.


My latest symptoms...HORMONES, crying easily, irritated easily, appetite is about the same as usual.  Still like the occasional candy (gummy bears) and sometimes a popsicle.  But otherwise I am about the same.  Physically I feel great other than when I cry so much I get a headache.  It is getting harder to turn over at night while I am sleeping.  A lot of movement usually kicks up as I lay down to sleep - this is a little frustrating.  My nails, hair and skin look great which is awesome...I wish it would stay that way after being pregnant. 
 
Next steps...Glucose Screening Test.  I was going to do it this week but T can't get away from work so it will probably be next week.  I am in NO hurry since it involves a blood draw (freaking vampires).  Because of that I need T there for sure.  Especially since it is uncomfortable lying on my back so I will have to sit in the electric chair. 
 
26 week pic

 
Pod with a head and a kinda fake smile (it is awkward smiling at the dining room table)

 
Let's hope for clear skies in the days ahead...