To be or not to be...

There are days when I feel that I am not ready for the new life ahead of me and would rather stay pregnant forever to avoid the alternative.  Mostly because of the unknown.  But then there are days when I can NOT wait to be free of the grips of pregnancy so that I can have some semblance of my life back!  That day, my friends, is today!

Last night I had dinner with one of my best friends, Amy.  She works out every morning and has been really kicking butt with it.  She has a work out partner that helps motivate her to get to the gym at the VERY early hour of 5:30 AM.  Well, her partner bailed on her for this morning and told her this last night while Amy and I were together.  Amy really wanted to go to the gym anyway but didn't know if she would be so up for it once the magical hour rolled around if there was no one to meet.

I didn't think too much about it and just said, I will meet you!  Hell, I am up already since I don't sleep well and I haven't been to the gym in some embarrassing amount of time.  It would do me good to get my butt up and out the door, into some crisp morning air and onto a treadmill.

So, after a night of literally NO sleep, I still felt the urge at 5 AM to throw on some sweatpants and head to the gym.  The old familiar route was comforting, even in the cold December air.  When I got there, Amy and I hit the treadmills.  She busted it into high gear while I did the old lady walk next to her.  Mostly holding my belly so that nothing would fall out (which is sometimes feels like will happen).  As we talked, I looked around at the other people in the gym and found myself growing envious of the flat stomachs, the muscular calves and the ability to run without passing out.  I watched Amy work up a sweat and longed for the next time I get to work up a sweat while running like the wind.  I found myself walking faster than the setting of my treadmill because my body is so eager to be in gear again.  But, everytime I would, my big stomach would hit the handle bar and remind me that I am still a pod with no flexibility and no energy.

But that didn't keep me from fantasizing about the day that I am back!  Amy and I talked about meeting once a week in the mornings, once I am cleared for take off by the doctor, to do a hardcore work out.  We talked about meeting to play racquetball.  I talked about taking Spinning classes to really shed some sweat (and pounds).  My heart skipped a beat thinking about how awesome it will be to push myself so hard that I nearly puke and I drifted off thinking about sweat dripping off my forehead and soaking through my clothes.  I am SO ready to be back.  I am SO ready to wear jeans that button and zip.  I am SO ready to crunch my ab muscles so hard that I feel the soreness for days.  I am SO ready to run - uphill, downhill, flat, sprint.  I don't care.  As Forrest Gump said, I want to RUN!!

I didn't have a hard pregnancy and it still isn't that difficult other than the not being able to bend over, walk up steps without being out of breath, get dressed without a drama and the sometimes creepy distortions of my stomach.  But I am ready to get it out, figure out how to take care of it, establish a routine and then - my plan is six weeks or whenever Hutch gives me the ok - to get back to working out.  T supports me 100% and, hopefully by then, I will be pumping a supply so that he can take care of Cashew while I get some much needed air! 

Not to mention my goal of pumping a supply so that I can have beers on Super Bowl.  Even though the Steelers won't be there.  But I do miss my beer as much as I miss my gym.  I sure don't know if I am ready to be a mom but I do know that I am ready to be ME.  So, today is a day that I am good with this pregnancy being over.  I know that means a lot of pain, a lot of responsibility and a lot of change.  But it also means feeling more like me again, hitting the gym and FINALLY having my cold, frosty beer!!  The light!!  I can see it!!