Note to self: This entry will not be shown to the children. This entry is for journal purposes only.
Note to readers: I use this blog as a place to jot down my thoughts, feelings and emotions first and foremost. The fact that I may print all entries out at a later time to show Cashew is second in the priority list and was not what this blog was primarily intended for.
Overall disclaimer: Yes, all I want is a healthy baby.
Ok, with all that being said, there is a reason I am two days late with my 38 week update. It all started with my doctor's appointment on Tuesday.
I am starting to get so anxious everytime I have an appointment because something happens that is completely unexpected. Not always in a bad way but just in a "catch me off guard" way that has me leaving in some sort of emotionally drained capacity. This appointment was no exception.
The good news at this appointment is that my weight is DOWN by 4 lbs! I heard that you start to lose weight towards the end but 4 lbs was more than I was expecting! Not to fear, the nurse wasn't concerned at all and I am still in a healthy weight range.
My blood pressure was perfect which is quite amazing since I am feeling the pressure of getting so much done in so little time (with some unknown deadline of not knowing when I will be delivering). After all that, I was shown to the room and asked to undress from the waist down for my weekly internal exam. T and I waited for about 30 or so minutes before Hutch's nurse practitioner lady came in. She said that Hutch had a delivery she had to take care of so she would be examing me today. No problem, I thought. Although she seems a bit flighty, she is really nice and I was just ready to get done with the appointment - especially since I had to pee.
We all made small talk, talked about Tay and how excited she is, talked about me and how nervous I am, etc. She grabbed the handheld heart monitor and squirted some goop on my belly. As she was placing the wand on the lower left of my gut, she said...very matter of factly..."you're having a girl, right?" I was taken aback. She said it so confidently. Like I already knew or something. I said, " well, we don't know." As much as I have replayed this moment in my mind, I can't recall the look on her face but she immediately came back with "oh, I thought you guys were having another girl." Which she meant in addition to Tay. I said, "well, we are hoping for a boy but..." And she said, "well, you are hoping for healthy, right?" I mean, what the hell do I say to that? Of course I want it to be healthy. Come on now.
It was all sort of awkward. I think I even said something like "that must be a sign that she said that." I don't remember how she replied to that. But she did say things like..."the heart rate is 150 so it could be either a boy or a girl. I have seen boys with high heart rates and girls with low heart rates. That is not a good indicator." She kept talking and saying things like, "Hutch can predict the sex of the baby by heart tone a lot of times but I haven't developed the ear for that yet." And on and on we went.
I held it all in and didn't really think much about her onset of comments for the rest of the appointment which included a GBS test (Group B Strep). Some women have Group B Strep which is found down there. It doesn't do anything to the woman (and she doesn't even know she has it) but it could do some minor damage to the baby if/when it makes its way through it. They just do some swabbing (and that's enough details, trust me) and then send it out to be tested. If it is positive, they simply add antibiotics in the IV at the hospital. No drama.
After swabbing the deck, she did an internal to see if any progress has happened at this point. Hutch did this last week and it was quick and painless. This time, holy cow! I thought her gloved hand was going to grab my esophagus before she was done! Not to mention that I had to pee and that SURE wasn't helping!! But the results finally came...she could only get a fingertip through my cervix (which makes me less than one centimeter dilated) but my cervix was very soft (which sounds like it is a good thing). She said the head was at -2 station which is great because it is descending. Here is a chart with the stations so you know what I am talking about:
After that, we wrapped up and I dressed, peed and then scheduled my next appointment for Tuesday of next week. We headed out and I told T, "I think she slipped and now we know it is a girl." He didn't deny it and thought the same thing. All of a sudden, this huge gray cloud attached to my head and I was completely bummed about the entire appointment. I guess I didn't realize how badly I wanted a boy. I mean, I'm not much of a girl person anyway so I knew that I really wanted a boy. I don't want all the frilly pink clothes and the bows and ribbons. I want blues, browns, baseball caps and boy boots. But that's not what it is all about and I know that...now. But then? I will admit completely and totally that I was very disappointed and completely bummed out.
Side note - she may not know anything at all and may have been guessing based on heart rate. Or, as T has mentioned, maybe she had us confused with another couple because she said "I thought you were having another girl." We don't see her enough for her to know those kind of things. I don't know if the sex of the baby is in my files but I would be surprised if there wasn't red ink all around it letting everyone know that we don't want to know the sex. So who knows if she is even right???
But it was probably good that she went on the way she did. I didn't realize how far from having my head around it being a girl I was...or how convinced I was that is a boy. But I guess that was the case. T and I went to lunch after the appointment. We relived every moment of the appointment and compared notes with each other - what each of our observations were. Things were going fine until we headed for a potty break before leaving the restaurant. I found myself sitting on the toilet sobbing. Literally crying with the deep breaths in between. It was both intense and ridiculous at the same time. I felt like I was mourning the loss of something I really never knew I had.
I wiped off the mascara under my eyes and headed back out to meet T. I kept my chin up as much as possible but T knew I was upset. And, although he is much more open minded about either sex, he admitted that he thought for sure it was a little man and said that, sure, he was excited about certain aspects of having a boy. But he tried and tried to make me feel better about it being a girl. Unfortunately, it looked as if it was going to take a little bit of time for me to get familiar with the idea after eight months of being damn sure it was a boy.
We got home and I dove into projects and chores to keep my mind off of the day. I wrapped the rest of the Christmas presents (we still have a bit more to get but not much), straightened up Mom's guest room and did some laundry. At some point, and now I can't remember what happened, I completely broke down and had a good hard cry on the landing at the top of the steps. T was there and sat with me for a while so I could get it all out. I couldn't pinpoint exactly what I was crying about...the fact that the lady potentially slipped and spoiled our surprise, the possibility of it being a girl, the fact that I am completely overwhelmed trying to get things done in a very small and undefined timeframe, the fact that this house will never be quiet again in the next two weeks or so...I don't know what finally broke the tear ducts but it was a mess!
Once I settled down, I was completely mentally and emotionally drained. I finished wrapping presents and then planted my butt in front of the TV to try and relax a bit. I was out before I knew it. What a day.
Yesterday I had some new found energy and was able to finish two Christmas projects and cleaned/organized the office (which I can't begin to tell you how much that was needed!). I started a pros and cons list in my head of boy versus girl so that I could try to get my head around the idea. I teared up only a couple of times but, towards the end of the day, I succumbed to the fact that I NEVER had any control of the situation and it will be what it will be. And, of course I want a healthy baby. And I know I will love whatever it is. T made a good point that, as we have done in the past, if we just let things happen as nature will have it happen, it is always for the better for us. So, if for some reason I am meant to have a girl, there must be a reason for it. And I can only hope that she will be as close to T and I as I am with my Mom and Dad.
We went to our infant care class last night and it was pretty interesting. I had a hard time really getting into the spirit because I still had small bits of that gray cloud lingering that I hadn't shaken entirely. After class, T and I had a good time talking about the future and how things may go, etc. I started slowly shifting my thoughts from being sad about the sex of the baby to being completely FREAKED OUT about the fact that I will have to take care of a baby!!! I looked down at my belly and thought, hmmm...I am ok with it staying in there a bit longer! I don't know if I am ready!! But, then again, I am ready for a cold beer and, unless it stayed in my belly til it was 21, I wouldn't be able to have one until it was out!
So here I am, sitting in the office catching up on the ol' blog while watching the sky lighten slightly by the rising sun. I have been up since 5:30 staring at the ceiling watching all the thoughts skip through my head. I am feeling more at peace with whatever this baby is and now just wonder what my timeframe looks like for the upcoming weeks.
My 38 week pic:
How your baby's growing:
Your baby has really plumped up. She weighs about 6.8 pounds and she's over 19 1/2 inches long (like a leek). She has a firm grasp, which you'll soon be able to test when you hold her hand for the first time! Her organs have matured and are ready for life outside the womb.
Wondering what color your baby's eyes will be? You may not be able to tell right away. If she's born with brown eyes, they'll likely stay brown. If she's born with steel gray or dark blue eyes, they may stay gray or blue or turn green, hazel, or brown by the time she's 9 months old. That's because a child's irises (the colored part of the eye) may gain more pigment in the months after she's born, but they usually won't get "lighter" or more blue. (Green, hazel, and brown eyes have more pigment than gray or blue eyes.)
On a holiday note, T made the COOLEST stocking stand EVER!! Since we don't really have any place to hang our stockings other than on the wall (which doesn't work out very well when the stcokings get heavy), he actually came up with this concept and then built it!! It took some time and some materials but WOW did it turn out SWEET! I couldn't be happier with our Christmas corner...especially the awesome stocking lamp post stand! It even has a flickering light in the lantern!
Hanging the stockings on the lamp post with care!
The house lit up and ready for Christmas - we want to do even more next year in the way of outdoor decorating. Or should I say, I want to do more. T could probably skip this part. It is a lot of hard work for him.
Next on our schedule:
Tonight: I am having dinner with one of my best friends. I am looking forward to the girl time!
Tomorrow: We are going to watch my Father-In-Law and his wife play in their church orchestra performance
Weekend: Catch up/finish shopping! We don't have Tay this weekend so we will be getting the Santa stuff done.
Sunday: 4th Ave Street Fair...Tucson doesn't have that many art fairs...or many festivals at all! But this one is twice a year and we always enjoy going.
Tuesday: My next appointment. What will happen at that one??
Friday, Dec 18: My Dad and SMom arrive!!
Saturday, Dec 19: My Mom arrives!!
Getting down to the wire folks....