17 weeks, 3 days: Doc appointment update

Leading up to any of my doctor appointments, I always have a sense of dread. I am afraid that they will find something bad or, even worse, find nothing at all. Not even a heartbeat. My frequent visits to message boards of other pregnant women can sometimes make this anxiety worse. Hearing stories about women who's babies heartbeats have stopped without their knowledge weeks before there ultrasound - even at 20 something weeks - just makes my heart skip a beat. I know this has a lot to do with having a miscarriage combined with my intense personality. I always fear the worst. I think I do this so that I can prep myself in case the worst has happened but then be pleasantly surprised when the worst hasn't happened.

Knowing my appointment was coming up and having a little time on my hands, I found myself browsing the message boards to see what everyone was chatting about. Turns out, some people can feel movement inside (not on the outside) anywhere from 16 weeks to 20 something weeks when it turns to outward kicks. The challenge is that, these women described these feelings as "fluttering" and "bubbles". All I thought I was feeling was gas bubbles and the occasional cramp. Not that this should be concerning or surprising. I read that a lot of women confuse the "quickening" or small movements as gas or hunger pains. While I overanalyzed my gas bubbles, I wondered if everything was ok in there. Or was I carrying a bundle of bad news.

I kept my mind off of things yesterday by going with my mother-in-law to Babies R Us (not sure how that keeps your mind off of babies) so that she could help me register for some of our smaller needs such as pacifiers, bottles and bath stuff. I also wanted to go ahead and get the bedding that we fell in love with. After our shopping trip, we headed to lunch and just chatted about everything under the sun. Luckily a lot of talk about things other than babies. Last night I went bowling with one of my best friends and her boyfriend. We had a GREAT time and it was just what I needed to a) take my mind off of things and b) possibly get a good night's sleep.

I slept ok but not well. I haven't in quite a while. Not so much because of my belly (which isn't really big enough to make me uncomfortable) but because of my insane dreams and my toes. Yes, my toes. I have read that some pregnant women have problems with restless legs. My problem is restless toes. It feels like I am crawling out of my skin and it happens EVERY night. I try to make myself relax so that I can fall back asleep but it takes a lot of time. And it is very frustrating.

My dreams have also been very strange. Last night I dreamed that T was with another woman. A really pretty college aged girl. In my dream, I was trying to understand the situation and knew that we were over. But I was so hurt...I was devestated. And I was pregnant. I started begging him to punch me in the stomach and saying that I didn't want to be pregnant with his baby while he was with her. Can you believe that madness? Disturbing isn't it? I read today on the internet (my friend and foe) that pregnant women sometimes have dreams just like this because they are so vulnerable and dealing with something so out of your norm. Add to that the fact that T is out of town on business this week, disturbing dreams I guess are bound to happen. Luckily I woke up to the realization that T and I are very happy and together and no one - I mean no one - will punch my stomach for ANY reason!

After a hot and long drive to my appointment, it was time to find out how cashew was doing. The office wasn't very busy - only one other couple was waiting in the small, cozy lobby. They were a cute couple - the guy was one of those large, kinda loud guys that is well spoken and kinda funny. He was asking the ladies behind the window about the 3D/4D ultrasounds. He said, "I know what a 3D image is but what is 4D? What dimension is that?" I couldn't help but chuckle behind my People magazine. He has a good point! But he ended up calling the number on the brochure advertising these ultrasounds and it was sweet hearing him talk to them. He was obviously very protective over his wife (asking things like "how hard will you have to press on her belly for the image?") and very organized with his thoughts and questions. They went back shortly after his phone conversation and it was just me and the Gosselings in People magazine left in the lobby (so sad about that family - John & Kate Plus 8).

Finally my name was called and I headed back and to the left to the usual small work room where they take my weight. 145.0. Looks like I am gaining a little weight. Finally. As hard as it is for me to see the scale rise after years of watching and cheering it DOWN, I really want to be sure that I stay healthy and I understand that weight gain (within the correct range) is healthy.

Next the nurse handed me the pee stick - the usual pee on my hand moment - that I have to do every visit. I headed to the bathroom. What I saw when I walked into the bathroom is something not commonly seen at your OB/GYN's office bathroom. The toilet seat was up. My first thought is that someone must have just cleaned the toilet and didn't put the seat back down. That's when I saw the remnants on the rim. There was a GUY in this bathroom! I could only assume it was the one that questioned the 4th dimension. Maybe the 4th dimension is what he was aiming for when peeing in (and on) the toilet. Guys, I know that you may occasionally need to pee while at the OB/GYN office with your wife, girlfriend or significant other. I am not trying to be an elitest but, guys, the OB/GYN office is a woman's world. You may get a sense of this when you go into the floral scented bathroom stocked with tampons, a changing table and pee cups. Please, please, please, respect the fact that this is a revered place for women. A place where we have to let down all modest guards and let the doctor poke and prod places with instruments that would bring a tear to your eye. Could you please wipe off your pee from the rim and put the seat down after you pee in that bathroom? I am sure your significant other would advise you to do the same in your home but I don't care what you do there. Please, be considerate of those of us who must frequent the OB/GYN and keep good aim and good manners. Oh, and stop touching the tampons.

Ok, back to me. After hovering over the wet rim after putting the seat down, I did my usual balancing act to pee in the cup for the dipstick. Yes, as usual, a little pee ended up on a finger. I wondered to myself while this process was working, how am I going to do this when I can't kinda look down there to get my aim. What happens when I look down and only see a belly button? That should make it more interesting I'm sure.

I guess my dip stick looked good to the nurse and she guided me into the ultrasound suite. You know, the big room with the recliner? I love that room. She checked my blood pressure - 180 over 20 or something like that. If that means I'm dead, I got the numbers wrong. I have never really been good at understanding the blood pressure thing. She asked me how I've been feeling and then, the second question, "have you felt any fetal movement?" Ugh - well, I answered, I haven't. Or at least I don't think I have. I don't know. I have felt gas bubbles - or was that fetal movement. I don't know. She assured me that it can be hard to distinguish so not to worry. But I did.

The wait for Hutch seemed like an eternity. I couldn't get comfortable (mental note - sit in the comfy recliner next time) and my mind was running all over the place. I kept looking at the ultrasound machine wondering if it would seal my fate today. Will it bring good news or bad news? This went on for however long I was sitting in the room. Then the jiggle of my chart on the outside of the door was the welcoming sound of Hutch coming in.

Hutch is just one of those women that you instantly love. She is bouncy and happy - but not over the top. She is eccentric and quarky but warm and inviting. She came in, gave me a hug and pulled up a chair. She asked how I was doing and I shared my concerns that I have every time an appointment rolls around. She said that she understood and that she was there to ease those concerns so the first thing she did was listen to the heartbeat. Oh, and no...no sonogram today - no pics. But she did put the gel on the belly and waved the magic wand so that we could hear the heartbeat. It took no time for her to find it. As soon as she touched my stomach you could hear it. My first reaction - and question - is that my heartbeat or the baby's? She said it is the baby's! I couldn't believe how loud and clear it was! She said it was definitely moving! She had to chase it down with the wand to keep listening to the heartbeat. You could hear it strong and then it would fade a bit...it was moving and repositioning. Every now and then you would hear a THUMP - Hutch said, "that's a kick!" WHAT?? I couldn't even feel anything!! Then you would hear a SWOOSH - Hutch said, "that's movement!" I couldn't believe how much it was moving around in there. Absolutely amazing!! As much as I would have loved pictures to share with you tonight, my peace of mind was rekindled with the heartbeat wand.

Hutch told me that the results of my NT Scan are all perfect and in the normal zone! That's great news. It isn't a guarantee but, when it is in the range of mine, there isn't much concern at all. She commented that I looked "fit" and "healthy" and that I don't even look pregnant other than the bump forming! Boy, that made me feel good. I am trying so hard to stay fit so that I can keep cashew healthy and so that I can be back in my normal jeans (minus the belly band) after this is over.

She said I could travel in October so that I can see my family and have a shower (well, I take showers every day but the ol' shower party thing). I told her that my prenatal vitamins make my stomach upset so she gave me samples to try (although I read I could take 2 Flinstone Complete chewable vitamins a day which I have decided to try instead). She informed me that my next ultrasound will be the "big" ultrasound and will take place in a different location. That will be at 20 weeks or so. This ultrasound would be when we could find out the sex. But we aren't!! We still want to be surprised!! But I AM excited to get more pics. Then we will be back to Hutch around August 12 for another quick exam. Probably no pics but maybe a good heartbeat listen!

All in all, the appointment went GREAT and I was so relieved when I left. T was out of town but I called him with the updates and he was very happy. I decided to treat cashew to a mexican lunch - just the two of us. It was delicious...and happened to be next to a Target. I decided to stop by Target after lunch to pick up some flavored waters I like. Well, just like it goes with Target, I ended up getting more than I bargained (or budgeted) for. I decided that I should continue the celebration of a good appointment by buying myself some new jammies. I love them and have them on now! I also bought (Dad's and boys turn your heads) a new bra. The girls are growing which is making my old bras very painful to wear so I bumped up in size. Luckily they were on sale because I know I won't always be this side. I wonder if they have a size "saggy" for after pregnancy?

Then I thought about cashew. He/she had a good appointment too! So I should just go look in the baby section to see if there is something that catches my eye. Well, many things did and I decided to start a registry there as well! Haha! I have officially become the silly pregnant lady that can't stop looking at baby crap! Even the stuff that I don't know what it does! I registered for toys, books, boppy pillow (don't ask), some blankets and some onesies. In neutral colors of course. But I did see a cute 3 month old outfit on clearance that I thought would be a good celebratory gift for cashew. Oh...and some booties/socks that rattle! So cute! I just had to get it. This child...spoiled already.

Dear Cashew,

It relieved my mind and heart when I heard your heart beat! I am always worried about you and can only imagine that this worry will continue until the day I turn to dust! But your heart beat is strong and your movements were incredible! Were you playing with us? Doc said she heard a kick and other movements. No matter if you are a boy or a girl, sounds like sports might be in the cards for you! I am your number one supporter if you would like to take something on!!

I bought you an outfit today and registered for some toys and other bright, weird kid things that I suppose you will enjoy as much as the model babies on the boxes. I also registered for a "goodnight" book and some other books that you and I (and probably your big sis) will enjoy very soon. Once I get the idea that you can hear stuff out here, maybe Daddy and I will read you some things. With your Daddy's genes, we know for a fact you will already be smart but couldn't hurt to make you smarter!

I keep hearing and reading that I will be feeling you soon. You will have to make some deliberate moves to get my attention since gas bubbles and other strange sensations are pretty common in there lately. But I do try to concentrate to feel something. I know I will really get some kicks someday soon so I am trying to be patient.

Your cousin Londyn will be born any day! Aunt Lauren's doc says that it could be before her next appointment next Thursday! I am excited to see her and to see the hospital where you will be born! I am really excited that you two will be so close in age. That will give you someone to play with.

Well, I am sure you are currently swimming away and enjoying the comfort of your bubble. I am so glad that you are doing so well and it sounds like you are the perfect baby...boy or girl. We are still not going to find out what you are until your birthday!! How exciting!!!

Well, goodnight for now. I am looking forward to seeing you in a couple of weeks and maybe feeling you sooner!

Love you always,
Mommy and Daddy

PS...Daddy was out of town for this appointment but stayed in constant contact to be sure he knew how you were doing. He is very happy to hear that we are both doing great and progressing wonderfully! You will love your Daddy - he rocks!!

Belly picture at 17 weeks:

16 weeks, 4 days: Furniture ordered!

Well, cashew took his/her first trip to Louisville and it was a success! I can't wait to take them back when they can really enjoy the beauty of my home and the love of their Grandparents and Great Grandparents!

We told Tay the big news the night before we left for the trip. She was super excited after her moment of confusion!! She loved her Big Sister shirt and her Big Sis bracelet that Aunt Lauren made her. She wore her bracelet almost everyday! From the moment she found out until the morning she went back to her Mom's, she was dishing out advice and tips on how to take care of a baby including her recommendation of a Hooter Hider. Once we get all of our videos and photos onto one computer, I will post the video of her explaining what the Hooter Hider is all about. That child knows a lot and will definitely be a good help for someone who doesn't have a clue!!

I have pretty much become a pod...a transporter. Tay still loves me as she always has but now the baby takes center stage! I received tons of hugs (well, my belly did), a lot of touches and belly pats, kisses for cashew, etc. When I was walking on one side of her and Daddy on the other on a main street, Daddy switched me places and Tay agreed saying that I shouldn't be close to the cars because of the baby. What am I? Chopped liver? I personally don't want to get hit by a car because of ME!! But that's ok. It's sweet and I am very glad that she is so excited about it. She wants to be part of it in a big way and we are planning on doing that for sure!

T and I have already discussed how to always make her feel special even after cashew arrives. We will have times when someone can watch cashew and we will take Tay out for some fun minus baby. Not always but sometimes so that we can all reconnect. I also think it will be important for her and Daddy to spend some alone time together. So I think we will make it special for everyone.

My first Babys R Us experience is documented in my other blog but, since then, we have gone back to register for more items. I haven't gotten a lot on my list - and I have seen some large lists in the past - but we will probably end up getting a lot of the stuff ourself. Especially personal items like boob lotion or other personal items that I would be embarrassed to open at showers. I think my favorite item I have registered for (and probably the cheapest) is the baby book! After looking at mine while visiting Mom, I can't wait to get one!! And it is sooo cute!! We almost bought it ourselves but thought that would be a good gift item.

The night before last, T and I finally sat down and did a CADD diagram of the nursery to see how much furniture would fit. We decided to keep it simple and do a crib, changing table/dresser combo and a glider with a small pedastal table next to it. This will keep the room looking open and will give plenty of floor space to play/crawl - whatever babies do. My concern with the dresser/changer combo was my obsessive need to keep things separate and organized. Changing items at the changing table, clothes in the dresser. But we came up with the idea to add cherry shelves on the wall above the changing table with lined baskets that will have the changing needs. And it totally makes sense to have the clothes in the same spot since that's where we will probably change its clothes. Success!

Although I had picked out a crib before this process, we ordered something completely different and I couldn't be happier! After seeing where it would be placed in the room, this is such a beautiful choice! Here is a link to the furniture that we ordered. If you scroll your mouse over the images, it will show you a close up. We are NOT getting the dresser that you see in the pic. Just crib and changer/dresser.

http://www.cribs.com/cribs/nursery-sets/davincikalaniconvertiblecribcollection.cfm

It is on back order but will arrive somewhere around Aug 10. That gives us time to clean and paint the room before it gets here. And, although we registered for the bedding, I am going to buy it instead. I want to have it set up with the crib.

Ok, so yesterday I was supposed to go to the vampires for another blood draw to test for spina bifida. But, since it is a walk in type of lab, I decided to wait until today. Even though I am not even showered and certainly not anxious to get there. But I will do it - eventually.

My next appointment with Hutch is next Thursday, July 16. Maybe more pics of cashew??

Symptoms as of late: waking up at 2 AM every morning, becoming a little more uncomfortable lying down, still nauseous some in the evenings, heartburn in the evenings.

To close, here is my 16 week pic. When I arrived in Louisville, Mom didn't really think I was showing much and I agreed. But, by the time I left, I must have grown because EVERYONE was commenting on my "bump". I guess it's growing...GULP.

16 weeks, 3 days


Dear Cashew,
I hope you enjoyed your trip to Louisville. That will probably be the one and only time you will travel there so quietly! But I received some great lullaby CDs from your Uncle Denny and Aunt Kathy that may help you on your next trip. Actually, your next trip will be for our shower in the fall so you will probably be just moving around in the pod at that point!

Your big sister could not be more excited about you!!! I have read that you can feel my stomach being poked and prodded and that might make you move around. Well, with all the jiggling your sister was doing on my belly, you must have felt like you were on a roller coaster! I almost lost our cookies a couple of times! But she already loves you. She thinks you are a girl but would be just as happy if you are a boy. You know what Daddy thinks!

We started shopping for you and I must say, it is quite intimidating. But I am learning. We are excited about getting your room together too! I can't believe this is ME doing this. I never thought I would ever be a Mommy - or want to be - but now I can't imagine not having you around in there. What an exciting time for both of us!

Daddy is overprotective and already a little nervous about the birthing process. I am too but I kinda know what to expect so that helps a lot. He just wants everything to go right and have us both be happy and healthy in the end. I told him that you and I make a good team and will look out for each other!

We are almost half way there, cashew. It feels like it has taken a long time to get to this point and, honestly, time does seem to be standing still. At least you have a lot going on in there to keep you occupied! I read that you are about the size of my fist and your nervous system is developing this week. How exciting. It also mentioned that you may be able to hear my voice and my heartbeat. I will try to watch what I say!

That's all for now. I need to get ready to head to the ol' lab to give some of our blood to the vampire doctors. You will know what I mean when you get here. I am sure you will be poked and prodded more than I have been lately. I apologize in advance.

Keep growing! Can't wait to see you next week!

Love you always,
Mommy

And, as always, Daddy says Hi and that he loves you!

15 weeks - cashew's first trip to Louisville + telling big sister tonight!

Today marks the 15 week mark of my pregnancy. I feel like time is creeping by and I still have my moments that I fear something will go wrong or that something is going wrong and I just can't tell that it is. I still feel in the gray zone where I seem to be growing in the mid section but I still don't receive the kicks and squirms to reassure me that there is a baby in there. Or at least a healthy baby. So, everytime I go to the bathroom, I am still checking the toilet paper for blood. I guess that never ends...the worry...until they are here. And then it is on to other, larger worries!

But all that aside, cashew is going on his/her first flight tomorrow and his/her first trip home to Louisville! This will be one of many in the future years!! I don't know what his/her excitement level is at this point but mine is through the roof!! I just can't wait to see my family and friends. It feels like it has been a lifetime! And I hear the weather can't be beat right now!

We will be getting Tay tonight in preparation for the trip. She gets to come home with us and catch more lightening bugs (which was a first for her last year)! She is excited! I think there will be even more bounce in her step because we will be telling her tonight that she is going to be a big sister. We bought her a "big sister" T shirt and her Aunt Lauren made her some really cute bracelets that say "big sis" and her name.

I must admit that I am a bit nervous about telling her. I truly believe that she will be very excited but it is such a huge life changer for her. I just hope she is excited and that her excitement will remain! I am hoping to include her as much as possible in future doctor appointments so that she can see cashew on the monitor and hear his/her heart beat. I want her to feel included on everything so that she has vested interest in cashew.

New update on the nursery. We found bedding that we really like. Here is the link:
http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=2973393

It is simple, classy, neutral and soothing. All of the things that are very important to me. I can't wait to get the room started. We picked up some paint sample cards over the weekend. We are leaning towards a mild green like what you see in the bedding. We are going to try to do a chair rail around the room. The top will be the solid color that we choose and the lower will be white with leaf stencil or something similar in the color we choose for the top. Does that make sense? We are both excited to get started on everything.

So here is the ol' stomach at 15 weeks. I don't feel like I am growing much anymore but the process may just be slowing down a tad. The shorts I am wearing are a size 8 (my usual size) and I have them buttoned with no belly band. Of course they were a tad loose before the gut and now they are definitely "fitted" but no band and no maternity shorts today. T says that it is because I am so fit (he's sweet and always knows the right things to say - haha) that my stomach is progressing the way it is. I don't know but I have bought some maternity pants to wear while in Louisville to allow for as much comfort as possible. With the schedule being so crazy, comfort will be a MUST! =]




Dear Cashew,

You're still in there, right? Your Grandma reminded me that I just heard your heartbeat a couple of weeks ago but it feels like it has been months! So I am sure you are fine and just floating along as you should. You are still making me feel a little sick at night. I haven't been taking my vitamins the past couple of nights because of my increased queasiness - sorry. And the heartburn has started to kick in and I've heard it will only increase. But that's ok. As long as you are ok. That's what matters.

You will be on your first flight tomorrow. Of course you will have the best seat on the plane. You won't be stepped on, hit with luggage or have drinks spilled on you. Your first flight is American Airlines 1428 out of Phoenix to Dallas. Eventually we will get to Louisville! Don't worry! You will see a lot of Louisville when you make it out here. You will love it!!

Well, I hope that you are doing well in there and that I am making your accommodations as comfortable as possible. I am trying to drink more straight water even though it really makes me gag. I mix it up with decaf tea and vitamin waters. Hopefully you are getting enough fluids. I'm doing the best I can with my stomach still being wrecked!

We are telling your big sister tonight about you! I think she is going to be super excited and I am sure it will make you feel better that she knows a ton about babies. She loves babies! So I will be relying on her to help me learn about what to do with you when you are here! She will be a great help and I think you guys will really get along well.

Nothing more right now cashew. Let's go get ready for our big trip! Well, not much to pack for you other than my new maternity clothes and a couple of belly bands! Wow! You are an easy travel companion at the moment.

Daddy and I love you!
Mommy

My head is definitely in my uterus...or at least in the baby room!

Last night was a night dedicated to figuring out what we want in the nursery. I felt now would be a good time for this since we are planning on getting started when we get back from our Louisville trip. I ended up with two options depending on what will fit in the room. T is going to CAD it out to see what fits and what will make it look too cluttered. I want the room to be open without a lot of furniture in it. I love uncluttered space so that's the ultimate goal - serene and uncluttered.

Here are some of my ideas at this time. Always subject to change. Luckily, when priced out, it falls within the budget T has created for the new room.

Option 1:
I thought it would be nice to have a separate changing table from the dresser. The one and only reason for this is my anal retentive self. The way the organization is working in my head right now is that the dresser would be for clothes only (and can be used as cashew grows up) and the changing table would only have changing essentials stored. This, of course, is not a necessity and I am still weighing it all out in my mind (option 2 is a dresser/changer combo).

Crib: I love this crib and the sleigh bed design. It perfectly matches our bed in the master bedroom which is located right next to the nursery. I wanted the furniture to match. This crib is IT. T and I both love it.



Changing table: I really like the open shelves because I love lined baskets. I just think that look is really cute. And this table also has the sleigh bed look and feel.



Four drawer dresser: This is part of the same set as the crib so everything should match perfect.



Glider/rocker: I just picked this one out because it had good reviews and looked comfortable. I am not necessarily sold on anything yet. But this was good enough to get a price and some dimensions.



Option 2:
Much more simplified and may be the way we go if the room looks too cluttered with option 1. In addition to the furniture that I am listing, I would also like a small nightstand next to the glider to place drinks, a lamp, etc. So we will need to take that into account as well. So this may be the option we choose.

Same crib (that's a given) and the changing table/dresser combo.



The glider idea and nightstand stays the same.

We still don't know what color paint we will use. I have to do some deep cleaning in that room (cleaning carpet, washing walls, etc.) especially since we used that room as a plant nursery and now it smells like onions! Haha! We do already have a ceiling fan (with lighting) that we will install. It is very contemporary looking (not baby'ish at all) so I am looking forward to getting that up and running. It should help the smell. We will need to install blinds and I might do a window treatment as well to soften it up a little.

My idea for on the walls - I want to put some cherry shelves on the wall for knick-knacks and what not. I also want to hang pictures of grandparents and great-grandparents - like a family wall (maybe a family tree type thing) - so that cashew never forgets about (and always sees) his Louisville family. I want to frame them in a cherry frame with a matte that will compliment the colors of the room. That's as far as I've gotten. Obviously, since we won't find out what cashew will be until his/her's birthday, it will all need to be neutral colors. I am starting to lean more towards the light greenish colors. But we will see. Maybe go take a look at some paint samples.

14 weeks and feeling larger

No huge developments right now other than my ever growing gut! But I guess that's to be expected. I am trying to keep the "growth" minimized and only on the gut - nowhere else. So I have been hitting the gym pretty regularly and for my usual amount of time. I alternate days and do biceps/triceps/shoulders on one day and legs/chest/back on the next day. Every day gets a good 30 min of cardio and abs. Now that T is working out with me - today was day 2 of our program together - I notice that I try to push myself like I used to (showing off maybe?). I have to keep stopping myself from doing as much weight as I used to pre-preg. But it sure is hard. I have been trained for the last three years to push myself past my limit and now, to back off of that, makes me feel like I am not accomplishing anything. But I have to remember that I am only maintaining right now...not training.

I still have bouts every now and then of queasiness but not as bad as in the first tri. I usually get this ick feeling in the evenings after dinner. My latest annoyance is heartburn. No matter what I eat. And it usually happens in the evenings as well. So nausea and heartburn combined makes for an early bed goer.

I haven't been really eating more than usual but I do try to snack throughout the day between meals. Mostly on fruit and raw carrots. But it's hard. I don't always feel hungry but, if I don't eat, I end up feeling a little ick. And I weighed myself at the gym yesterday and, according to that scale, I am at 139 (with tennis shoes on). I was instantly wondering what the heck? That means I am down another two pounds since my appointment. But, based on the online research I have found, this can be common. I should start gaining soon. Maybe the loss is from my rear end - that would be ok. I wouldn't mind a little deflate in the ol' J-Lo!

But, as you will see in my pic, my belly is gaining fast and furious. It is so hard for me to wrap my head around this growth after working so hard on getting my abs flat and strong for three years. It certainly is an adjustment. But T loves it and comments on it daily. I guess I am definitely looking "pregnant" now. So hard to believe...

Other than that, no real news. It is hot as hell out here in the Old Pueblo and our skins literally melt just walking to the car. I am so glad I am not huge right now because I am sure it would be highly uncomfortable. I feel for my sister-in-law who is about to pop. The heat can NOT be a welcoming friend!

I am going home next week to Louisville and I couldn't be happier or more excited. Not because of some thought that ahhhhh everyone will be oohing and ahhing over my pregnancy. It is more because I severely miss my folks and the rest of my family. It feels like it has been so long since I've been home. And the last time I was there I had my miscarriage so it kinda tainted my visit. I am just so glad to be seeing everyone and enjoying quality time together. My family absolutely ROCKS!

Wow, by the time I get there I will be 15 weeks....

14 week pic - taken today before heading to the gym (not able to suck in anymore):

13 weeks, 3 days - Officially out of first tri!

Well, here I am! I made it out of the dreaded, scary first trimester! Whew that took forever! But with that behind us and the NT Scan results back as "normal", we are feeling our excitement grow more and more.

Today I had an appointment for a check up. Dr Hutch wasn't there - she was called away for an emergency surgery. So I ended up with another lady in her office who was super nice. Again I had to pee on a stick and, again, I peed on my hand a little. When will I ever figure out where the spout is? The stick looked good.

I was sent into one of the sonogram rooms and thought that I was about to see cashew after a week. No such luck. No pics of cashew this time. This appointment was to check on the heart rate and the measurement of my uterus - which she did with a measuring tape on the outside of my stomach.

While she was doing the measurement she had to feel around on my stomach to find the top of my uterus (gross, huh?). She made me feel like a million bucks when she said, "wow! Nice ab muscles." Yay!!! Although I slacked on working out for a month or so, I've been back into it now for about a week. That just made me feel really good about my muscle tone!

After the measurement - which was only told to me as "perfect" - she used a little handheld device and some gel to find the heartbeat. She searched for a few minutes (probably more like a few seconds) and I began to have a bad feeling, like something was wrong. I think I always have a little apprehension at these appointments. I mean, even though I am in the "safer" second tri, anything can happen before and/or during the birth. It ain't over til it's over, ya know?

But she finally found it towards the top of my belly button (way too close for comfort for me - I hate things around my belly button). It was a loud, solid heartbeat. Slosh, slosh, slosh...140 was the heart rate which she simply stated as "absolutely perfect." Whew! Good news.

My clothes are definitely tighter but my weight is down as per the scale today. But the nurses didn't seem concerned. They said that some women gain, some women lose but it will start to average out towards the end of my second tri or so. Of course, my first reaction when I see the numbers on the scale decrease is to celebrate! But now I get concerned. But no one else seemed to be so I moved on.

As I was saying, my clothes are definitely tighter. I am an addicted fan of the bella band that allows you to keep your pants unbuttoned without them falling down. Brilliant! I think this band will also be put to good use post-baby when I am out having some greasy poppers with beers! If my pants get too tight, pop the button and put the band over the opening. Done! Someone sure is rich by keeping it simple stupid! I mean, really! It merely looks like a tube top (but lighter weight) that you put over your stomach and then fold over the top of your pants. Good goin' girlfriend!!

So, speaking of weight...when you see this picture, you are going to wonder how the hell I am losing lbs instead of gaining because I look like I just left a keg party. Don't ask me! I guess I am losing on my limbs and butt and balancing out with the gut.

This is 13 weeks straight up wearing my gym clothes...



Yikes, huh? I don't think I look pregnant...just beer bellyish. And, honestly? I think I instinctually sucked in my gut like I always do before a camera snaps!! I do it without even thinking about it but I can't suck it in much...if at all...anymore.

So the doc office said that I have to do more blood work July 9 - two days post my trip home. It is to test for Spina Bifida. I said, "will they take it out of my finger?" She half-laughed and said "no, out of your arm." Evil woman. When will the poking end? The next poke after this one better be the one in my back to relieve me from the hella pain...

My next appointment with Hutch will be July 16. I think this is when we would be able to hear what the sex will be but we aren't going to find out. But I am excited to get more pics of cashew to add to the collection! I suppose I will be about 17 weeks by that appointment.

More to come...

Dear Cashew,

What are you doing in there, man? Running a marathon? Your heart was beating so loud and clear! But that is definitely a GREAT thing! I was hoping it was beating correctly and the doc says it was! I was smiling the whole time, trying not to laugh so she could hear it correctly. Partly because it kinda tickled and mostly because I couldn't believe there was a heart in my body other than mine! I know you probably don't understand what I'm saying. Heck, you can't even read, speak English or even hear anything yet. But it is pretty wild to have a replica of yourself in a smaller version in your stomach.

I was hoping to get pics of you today but no-go. I know we will get plenty more so that's ok. I've already registered for childbirth classes in late October/early November and they had electives I could take which I chose breastfeeding, infant CPR and infant care. I want to be sure I know what the heck to do when you get here. Not to scare you but...I don't know one thing about babies. Not one. But you don't know one thing about being here so hopefully it will all balance out. I will take good notes and I will be holding your cousin, Londyn, which will be the first time I held a baby since I was probably 9 or so. That will give me some sort of practice I hope. Not to scare you...you scared yet? Oh yeah, you can't read! Ha!

Well, I think you are telling me that we are hungry. I am feeling the usual symptoms of needing to eat. I will sign off for now and get you a nice baked potato and some broccoli. Might as well try to get some veggies in you now before you revolt at a later age!

Love you my little cashew,
Mommy

PS...Daddy couldn't go with me today because he was out of town for work. He is a hard worker and does so much to keep us comfortable. He loves you so much already and always tells me to tell you HI for him. =]

Milestones Marked With Joy! 11 weeks, 6 days

I haven't written for a while and, while I would like to blame it on all this new fangled technology crashing all the time, the truth is...it was ME crashing all the time. Being pregnant, at least for me, has been quite a trip! A trip down a spiral of nausea and headaches followed by evening headaches that could bring a grown man to his knees! Speaking of which, I have one coming on now so I need to speed up this entry so that I can lay my ever expanding pregnant ass on the couch for another evening of upset stomach and TV watchin'.

With all of these "glamorous" aspects of pregnancy, it's no wonder that - not only have I not written in a while, my excitement level has been less than...well....exciting. It's really hard to completely change your lifestyle, feel like a pile of steaming poo every day and see your buttons on your pants moving further away from the hole on the other side. There's no baby kicking or any sort of stomach to put your hand under like a lot of pregnant women do. You just walk around looking like you've had too many Big Macs and, due to the green tint of nausea on your face, you look as if you are paying the price for eating them.

And then there are days like today. I swear the world turned the opposite direction and made the colors of the sky, trees and flowers a deeper, more vivid shade. Everything looked and smelled amazing and my stomach seemed to cooperate even with my nerves escalating on the way to my appointment. Today was our NT Scan (Nuchal Translucency). Just as a reminder, this is a screening test to help assess whether cashew has any chromosomal abnormalities or other chronic conditions. It doesn't diagnose and it isn't fail proof but the scan combined with the blood work makes the outcome 90% accurate.

I was being brave this morning. I decided to keep calm even though I knew it was going to require another blood draw. I even stayed calm when it looked like we were leaving later than I had hoped in order to get there on time. But we arrived on time even after trying to find the building that was tucked in the middle of a huge hospital campus.

When I was called back, T and I went into the sonogram room (straight back, to the left and then the first left - funny what my brain holds on to). I realized immediately that I have hit another milestone in this pregnancy. I no longer have to have the magic wand inserted in low places for my images!! I have now graduated to the cold gel on the belly and the actual ultrasound gadget that you see on all of the TV shows and movies. That alone was one exciting step.

Because I was advised to drink a lot of water before having blood drawn to make things flow faster (thus getting the procedure done quicker), I had drank a glass of water at home (water still makes me gag) and then a large Vitamin Water on the way in. Well, the technician really needed to position the gadget correctly which meant pressing strongly on my large bladder that, yes, she could see on the monitor (oh yes, right there...that big black hole...you DO have to go. So nice how there is nothing to hide when you are getting a sonogram done!). The first thing we saw was...well, a BABY! It is no longer a strange booger shaped alien looking creature. You know, that thing that crawled into the dude's ear on Star Trek the Wrath of Khan. No, cashew has grown. It now looks like a real baby of sorts. And the crazy thing? It's in ME!!! What the???

But it was awesome and I will admit, I teared up a couple of times in sheer amazement. We heard the heartbeat the first time. It sounded good and...wet. Like it was pumping jello or something. The technician promised us a tour of the baby after she got what she needed which was for cashew to lay on his (yes, I am just using the male gender so I don't call it "it") back with his nose in the air so that she could measure the fluid in the back of his neck. After many strong pushes (that almost released some urine), cashew cooperated and she was able to measure the neck.

She said that we were at 13...now, I am an internet junkie and I just researched what a normal range for NT Scans and the numbers she gave us do not jive with the ones on the internet. But I am going with what she told us until I hear otherwise. She said that cashew's NT was at 13 (mms? cms? I don't know) which is skinny. Very skinny to use her exact words. She said that the "big" area was 30 so we are in real good shape! T and I just figured it out! She was using the centimeter scale so it was .13 cm which she just called "13". Putting that in millimeter format, we are completely normal at 1.3 mm. Oh yay! Now I feel better again. I was wondering how that calculation was figured out after looking online. Whew! Ok, back to the story now that I just dragged you selfishly through the mud that I call my brain!

After learning that cashew has good looking neck fluid (he must get that from me), we moved on to the "tour" de bebe! She moved that little gadget around hitting as many angles as she possibly could! It was incredible to see. Now the long awaited pics...here is what we saw today with some descriptions to help you see things a little easier...

This was the pic that she used to measure the fluid in the back of the neck. What you are looking at is cashew's profile. If you look close, you will see an outline of his face. The four "dots" above his face are his left hand fingers. The fluid space that they measured is from the back of his neck to the white line directly below his neck. That small space is what she measured...the key word being SMALL!!



Ok, these pics are a little harder to decipher. There are two separate pics in one. So there is one on the left and then a separate pic on the right. If you look close, you will see where she typed "lower extremities" on the left pic and "upper extremities" on the right pic. I must say, I do not see the upper extremities. She said it looked like he was clapping his hands. Um. Ok. I really don't see it but at least she sees two hands and arms. That's a good sign.

The left pic is one that I am still ogling over. What you are looking at are his legs (she called them frog legs...must get that from T). It is almost as if cashew is diving head first into the bottom right hand corner of that left pic screen. From there, you see his butt (with a bright white dot that T swears is his....well, what makes him a him. Don't worry folks. We are still gonna be surprised. That white dot means nothing and it is still WAY too early to tell). Now, after his butt you should be able to see a little bit of a black gap and then his calves and then his feet. Don't worry, it is all attached (at least I assume so). I am guessing his legs are bent. Plus, the printed pics are kinda different than what you see on the screen and it was pretty vivid on the screen.



The last pic is of cashew trying to smile with his best gorilla face he could muster. I swear I had no relations with monkeys or gorillas in the past so I am hoping that this trait will fade as we move closer to due date! But, really...it does kinda look gorilla'ish. But you can see his left hand giving a wave...all four fingers and a thumb! I really just couldn't believe it.



It was a great tour and finished off with even better news! The blood that they were going to have to take was not coming from my arm!!! It was coming from my finger!! Oh I deal with that so much better! I can even sit up and make conversation during it. I can't watch them squeeze the blood out but I can handle the pin prick. I was so thrilled and it just put a cherry on top of the entire appointment. I think I floated out of there.

It all became very real and exciting after that. I couldn't stop looking at the sonogram pics and realizing that there is a little person inside me. A real one. Like mine...well, and of course, T's. It was so surreal but yet real all at the same time. I realized that I didn't feel pregnant other than the negative nasty parts so I never really felt like it was real. But this little thing was in there growing every day...trying to survive. Inside of ME! It was, and is, so incredibly insane.

Then I realized that this little creature has NO idea of his family out here in the real world. His grandparents, his fuzzy brothers and sisters, his aunts and uncles, cousins...all the places he will go, people he will visit...all the things he will do. He is just in his own little wet bucket swimming around and growing. So crazy and interesting...

I don't know where the old bitchy Dawna that complained about not being able to ride rollercoasters, eat gorgonzola cheese or drink a cold beer went but this new Dawna came out today that couldn't wait to get a baby name book and become the goofiest, cheesiest pregnant woman around! It's kinda embarrassing to admit that I felt that way today but I actually started to feel like...well...I don't know....a Mom kinda. And there was a sense of fear and joy all wrapped up in one big smile that stayed plastered on my face all day even during times of queasiness. I can't believe this is happening to me.

So we headed out after the appointment in search of something to do until lunch time. We walked through a really cool furniture store and then went to El Charro (mexican restaurant) for lunch. The food was one step lower than "below average" but whatever. After that we came on home. After some conversation, we realized I needed to make a deposit at my bank so we headed back out again. We went to the bank and then decided we would go see a movie. Since we had an hour before the movie began, we looked for something else to waste time. I have been wanting to get a library card for a while now so we hit the library. I guess you can imagine the books I checked out with my new card!! Yes, two baby name books, a nursery ideas book, a "bringing home baby" book and a crochet for dummies book. Wow, wild days are rapidly coming to an end for me! Haha!

We went to see The Hangover which was a good mindless movie that had only a few minor chuckles for me...and I might have only given courtesy chuckles which makes no sense since they can't see me anyway. But who cares? It was nice to be there with T and put a nice bow on top of our nice day.

Now we are home and the vices that squeeze my head every night are getting tighter and more intense. I know it is this headache that is making my hearing that much more sensitive so that I can hear the couch downstairs whispering my name. But here is a list of milestones we have reached at this point:

1. The 6 week mark - miscarriage moment during last pregnancy
2. Saw a strong heartbeat
3. Baby measured correctly at 7 weeks
4. NT Scan exactly normal
5. Heard the heartbeat

I am at 12 weeks tomorrow! This is my last week in my first trimester. Another huge milestone is on the horizon. Thanks to all of you who have been so supportive and encouraging through the process. Cashew has the most AWESOME family and friend support system than any kid. I feel so lucky and downright thrilled!

Dear cashew,

You sure are looking good in there. If your good looks is in any relation to how sick I have been over the last couple of months, you sure are going to be one heck of a knock out! And you already have a cute butt! You definitely get that from your Dad!

We heard your heartbeat today. Sounded like you were kicking back enjoying the ride. Well, cashew, I promise to do the same. I am going to stop stressing, stop complaining and just enjoy this ride with you. You may be the only cashew I ever have so I really want to experience the adventure. And, boy, has it been an adventure! I am moving into my second trimester so hopefully I will start feeling better so that I can start eating better for you.

It is amazing seeing you grow. Daddy and I were saying when we left our appointment today how our cashew isn't really a cashew anymore. But you will always be cashew to us. And, if that was you waving to us today, here's a wave back! Maybe someday they will make technology so that future cashews can have a flat screen monitor in there so that they can see their folks before they pop out. Or maybe not. Some may not want to come out then.

Well, we are excited and feeling awesome about the rest of the year! We are already playing around with names. What a scary thing! Naming you! We want to be sure it is a good one with little to no chance of ridicule. We know it may take a while and, since we won't know if you are a boy or girl until your birthday, we have to think of TWO names. No, wait...FOUR names if you count the middle name! But we have time and we are going to take it!

Daddy is really excited to start on your room. We have decided that we will start working on that when we get back from Louisville in July. Ahh yes, cashew. Louisville will be your second home!!! You have some wonderful Grandparents & GREAT Grandparents that are really looking forward to meeting you and spoiling you to no end. We will be there as often as we can possibly stand it. So keep that in mind when you are working on your crying voice. We will have to be quiet on that long plane ride.

Well, I could sit here and chat with you all night but, thanks to the hormones, my head is splitting and my stomach churning. But that's ok. Your gorilla smile makes it all worth it!!

Love you already,
Mommy

Mommy at Aunt Lauren's shower - 11 weeks, 5 days (and a shirt that makes me look larger than I am, I think):